Need Critiques for 12 page short script.

[escapingmyshadow]

what genre would you classify this as? Is it good. Any comments are awsome.

Martyr of the Wampyr



INT. BRAM’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

BRAM STOKER is tying a noose for his rope. He puts it over the bar in his closet that holds up his clothes and puts the noose around his neck.

TITLE FLASHES ON SCREEN WITH BLACK BACKGROUND AND WHITE FONT

“In the Fifth Circle of Hell the slothful are punished in the muddy River Styx, where, mad with rage, they bite each other and themselves.”
–Dante’s Divine Comedy-

Bram is hanging from the noose and starts to choke on his own blood spitting a little out. He dies.

TITLE FLASHES ON SCREEN WITH BLACK BACKGROUND AND WHITE FONT

Why lie in hell when you can aid in the conversion of the saved to the damned?

WIDE SHOT OF THE BED FROM ANGLE

A black shadow slowly moves over to Bram and unties the noose. The shadow picks Bram up and sets him on the bed where he leans over and what looks like is drinking blood from his neck. The shadow fades away.

CLOSE UP ON NECK

Two pin point pricks of blood are on his neck and they slowly start to heal up and fade away.

INT. BEDROOM – DAY

Bram wakes up, touches his neck, and coughs. There is a little blood on his shirt so he removes it and throws it away in the dirty clothes hamper and puts on another clean shirt. He starts to walk out of his room when he looks around an notices that all the crosses and pictures of god are upside down. All his clocks are set at 3:00 He continues exiting his room.
INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Bram has just finished taking a shower and the bathroom mirror is fogged He looks in it as he dries his hair and doesn’t see his reflection. He rubs his eyes and is finally in disbelief and is able to see his reflection. He exits the bathroom.

EXT. WIDE SHOT OF GIRL FRIENDS HOUSE – DAY

Bram is knocking on the door and MRS. SHELLY answers.

Bram
Hi, Mrs. Shelly is MARY there.

MRS. SHELLY
Yeah, wait one sec, Bram, I will go get her.

Bram tries to walk in but can’t. Some force is holding him from going inside.

MRS. SHELLY
Come on in.

Bram’s foot was able to enter the house and he entered.

MRS. SHELLY
She is in her room.

BRAM
Thanks.

INT. MARY’S BEDROOM – DAY

She is in her room watching playing on the computer when Bram walks over and sits down on her bed with her.

MARY
Hey, why didn’t you call last night?

Bram
I tried killing myself.

MARY
WHAT! Have you not been taking your Lexapro?

BRAM
I stopped taking it a month ago. I had to. I was always tired and when I tried to sleep I couldn’t sleep. I kept getting those stomach aches and I didn’t think if I stopped taking them I would try something so stupid like that. I thought… I thought I was doing fine. I could actually sleep and my stomach stopped hurting. When I tied the noose, It was… It was like someone was taking over me.

MARY
You tried hanging yourself?

Bram
Yeah and I swear I did too. I could feel it on my neck. I could taste the blood from which I was choking on. I died but it was like it was all a dream then I woke up the next morning, to day in fact.

MARY
Oh, maybe it was just a dream.

She went to hug him but he pulled away.

BRAM
No… I mean… I don’t know. Since I had this dream, I mean, it felt so real. Weird shit has been happening that I can’t explain. I woke up and all the crosses in my room were hung upside down. The pictures of Jesus were upside down too and all the clocks were stopped at 3:00. Then When I went to take a shower I looked in the mirror and my reflection was gone. I rubbed my eyes and I saw myself again. Then I tried walking into your house and I couldn’t. It was like something was holding me back, and invisible force. Until your mom invited me in I couldn’t even enter your house.

Mary hugs him again and Bram starts to tear up.


BRAM
I just… don’t know what to do. I mean it seems so real.

She pulls away and looks him in the eye.

MARY
It will be okay. You’re just delusional from the side effects. Just promise me you will start taking your Lexapro. You’re life is more important then not have a few stomach aches and some insomnia.

CUTS TO FRONT DOOR AS BRAM WALKS IN AND INTO THE KITCHEN

INT. KITCHEN – EVENING

BRAM
Mm… What smells so good?

Bram’s Mother is cooking
MOTHER
Cooking your favorite, Tacos and your favorite cheese dip.

BRAM
Yes! You’re awesome mom.

She cuts her finger with the knife as she is cutting the lettuce.

MOTHER
Damn it!

BRAM
What Happened?



MOTHER
I cut my self… I am going to clean this up. Will you clean up the cutting board and cut the rest of the lettuce for me?


BRAM
Sure.

Bram’s mom went into the bathroom and Bram stared at the blood on the cut board. He took his finger and licked it off. He hurriedly washed the cut board and started cutting the rest of the lettuce. His Mom walked and took over from there.

INT. BRAM’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Bram climbs into bed and gets ready to turn off the lights when he realizes there is no shadow of him. He waves a pencil and it shows a shadow. He does it again with his hand and there is no shadow. He gets out of bed and walks over to the mirror in his room. There is no reflection of him. He exits the room.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Bram’s mother is on the couch watching the Sixth Sense. Bram takes his coat from the coat hanger and starts to open the door when his mom interrupts.

MOTHER
Hey, Bram, Where are you going?

BRAM
I’m going to DAVID’S house to get one of my games.

MOTHER
Okay, be back by Midnight though, I have to be at work at 10:00 tomorrow.

Bram’s mother turned around and continued watching the Sixth Sense as Bram walked outside.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Bram walked outside and slipped on a skateboard. He froze in mid air hovering a couple feet over the ground.

WIDE ANGLE OF SIDE TO CLOSE UP FROM FRONT

BRAM (V.O.)
Holy Shit!

Bram looks farther down at the ground and then looks directly in to the camera. He gets this demented look and opens his mouth showing his fangs. He flies off down the street.

EXT. SIDEWALK IN DOWNTOWN SHELBYVILLE – NIGHT

A girl is walking down the side walk. She looks back and sees Bram’s outline. She, in fear, increases her pace. She looks back around and he is gone. She turns again to face forward and runs in to Bram.

GIRL
Stoker, Thank God you’re here. Someone was following me.

She looks into his eyes as Bram starts backing her against the building. She is hypnotized by him and does not scream. He grabs her and sinks his fangs in to her neck and she falls to the ground dead.

STRAIT CUT TO SOUNDING ALARM AWAKING BRAM

INT. BRAM’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Bram’s alarm sounds, awaking him from his deep sleep. He slams his hand down on it to turn it off. He rubs his eyes and gets out of his bed. He looks around the room and sees that all the manual clocks are stuck at 3:00 and all the crosses and pictures of Jesus are upside down. He exits his room.

INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING

Bram walks into the living room where he sees his mom watching the news.

BRAM
I thought you had to work today?

MOTHER
Work, today, was canceled. My boss’s daughter was murdered last night. Every one was called off work to grieve. It’s all over the news.

Bram looks at the T.V. and sees the reporter reporting in the same location where he was at last night. Fright comes to Bram’s face.

REPORTER
Last night around midnight, young ALEXANDRA BLAIR, 14, was walking home from a party when she was murdered. Police have investigate the scene of the crime and at this moment, the cause of the death is unknown as well as any possible suspects. There is no trace of blood but when her body was found early this morning large amounts of blood was found drained from her body.

PICTURE OF ALEXANDRA BLAIR AND FATHER APPEAR ON SCREEN

REPORTER
Her father, owner of the Knauf Fiberglass Plant, In Shelbyville, Indiana has temporary closed the factory in order to grieve over his daughters death. He promises to do anything to find the murderer at any expense. If you have any information about the murder please call anonymously at the number below.

Bram watches the news with his jaw dropped. His mom mutes the T.V. turns around to ask him a question.

MOTHER
Would you go and check the mail for me, please?

BRAM
Sure, yeah.

Bram puts grabs his jacket from the coat rack and edits the front door.
EXT. FRONT YARD – MORNING

Bram exits the front door and walks down the side walk. He spots his skateboard in the middle of the drive way. He has a flash back of him tripping over it the night before and being able to hover. He picks it up and puts it on the ground he stands on it and pushes it from under his feet and falls to the ground. He gets up and checks the mail.

EXT. SOMERSET CATHOLIC CHURCH – DAY

CAMERA PANS FROM SIGN OF CHURCH TO BRAM

Bram waits for FATHER MOORE to exit the church and go to his car. Bram approaches him.

BRAM
Father Moore, wait a sec.

Father Moore pauses from entering his car.

FATHER MOORE
Yes, my son.

BRAM
I wonder if you could do an exorcism for me?

FATHER MOORE
Who is possessed?

BRAM
I am.

FATHER MOORE
Surely you are not. I am sure you are just insecure of about your faith. Go home and do 5 Hail Mary’s and read your Bible. I am sure. Then you will find your faith.

Father Moore got in his car and tried closing it when Bram blocked it with his arm and interrupted him.

BRAM
No, just listen to me. I killed that girl. I am a vampire!

FATHER MOORE
I know better then that. I can clearly see your reflection in my mirror. And the Murder of Alexandra Blair is not a laughing matter. Go home and do 12 Hail Mary’s and come to church Sunday. I don’t have time to joke around about foolish stuff like that.

He closed his door and locked it, started his car, backed up, and left. As he was backing up Bram looked at the reflection of his head and saw a faint outline of what looked like a 6 in the top corner of his head.

INT. BRAM’S BEDROOM – DAY

Bram walks up to the one of the crosses on his wall and tries to turn it upside right but it burns him and he drops it. He exits his bedroom.

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

He opens the drawers and takes out two tongs and closed back the drawer.

INT. BRAM’S BEDROOM – day

He picks of the cross with the tongs and puts it upright. He gets a smirk on his face. He puts back up the rest of the crosses and even changes the picture of Jesus right side up with the tongs. He lies the tongs down on his bed and changes the batteries in the clock and sets it to the right time. He exits his room.

EXT. GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE – EVENING

He knocks on the door and Mary answers. She is on the phone and turns away thinking Bram will walk in. Bram stands there. She comes back and motions him to come in while she is on the phone. He enters.

INT. GIRLFRIEND’S KITCHEN – EVENING

He walks through the hallway into the kitchen where Mary leans up against the stove and gets off the phone.

Bram starts to tear up.
MARY
Baby, what’s the matter?

BRAM
I am going to hell.

MARY
No you aren’t.

BRAM
Yes I am. I committed Suicide and killed that girl. If I touch holy relics they burn me. When people are possessed and damned shit like this happened. I am a freaking vampire. Sorta,… I mean only at night. It is like something takes over me. I am just like a regular person during the day during some stuff. Like I have a shadow and reflection and stuff, but I still can’t touch crosses and stuff and It is weird I can’t explain it. All I know is that all this has brought… made my faith stronger. I no longer question it. I didn’t ask to be like this It just happened.

MARY
Where is your Lexapro? Why haven’t you been taking it?

BRAM
Haven’t you listened to a thing I have been saying? I am not making this stuff up. Look it is dark out let me prove it to you.

Bram walks over to the mirror on her refrigerator and showed her that there is no reflection. Mary gasps and puts her hand over her mouth.

BRAM
Look there is no reflection. I killed that girl and I want you to kill me before I kill anybody else. I would rather die and go to hell early then aid Satan in condemning the innocent. We all know Alexandra was not saved. I killed her before anybody could help her see God. This is how Satan cheats people out of their souls.
Bram grabs his head and moans.

MARY
What’s the matter!?

She runs over to hold Bram but Bram pushes her off. He opens his mouth and shows his fangs. He backs her into the wall and forces out his next lines.

BRAM
Kill me… Stop me.

He grabs her neck and is about to grab it when Mary uses her hand to grab a butter knife. She thrusts it into he heart and he falls to the floor with it sticking in his chest. She pulls the knife out and his fangs are no longer there. The 6 on his head vanishes and he lies on the floor cold dead. She lies over his body holding his head up crying. She starts to pray.

MARY
Jesus, please don’t let him die. It accepted you. He let you in his heart. He sacrificed his life so he couldn’t aid the condemnation of the innocent.

She looks up at the ceiling toward the heavens and cries. She hears a voice.

VOICE
In darkness I am the light. I allowed the fallen angels to place upon Bram a curse as a sign, a sign he needed to rekindle the light in his heart that the world has doused out. I can bring back the dead as I am creator of all that live upon my Earth. I am a merciful God. Witness to others about what you have seen today, allow them to see the light that I have brought upon this world as a gift. Accept me, as Bram did in darkness and you will have everlasting life.

CLOSE UP ON BRAM

Bram took a deep breath as he came back to life. Mary looked up at the heavens for a few more seconds before returning her attention back to Bram.

CLOSE UP ON MARY AS SHE LOOKS DOWN AT BRAM

MARY
Thank you God.


FADES TO BLACK

Credits Roll

EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY

Reporter stands outside of hospital doing another story.

REPORTER
Last night, after being dead for over 23 hours Alexandra Blair began wiggling her finger. Nurse, Terry Shepard, noticed it and contacted Dr. Richard Zeal right away. Within three hours Alexandra was back in stable condition. Doctors are unknown how a miracle like this could actually happen but as for me. I know it was God.

STRAIT CUT TO BLACK

 

[Matuso]

Interesting. Needs work, mostly on your writing skills. Creating believable dialogue can be hard. Practise practise practise. Also, when doing action, try to keep in the present tense. No "He set the pen down and walked out into the hallway, and thought about the pineapple sale". Instead, "He sets the pen down, walks out into the hallway. He is lost in thought; he is thinking about the pineapple sale". Okay, bad example, but you get the idea.

 

[Kim Welch]

while you are giving profound writing advise try to do a spell check or PRACTICE your spelling

keep writing and make it good.

 

[humptydude04]

At least you're writing

At least you're writing

I'm going to be very honest as coddling anyone won't help them develop creatively. I didn't like the script but I really respect anyone who takes the time and has the gumption to write in general. You're already one step ahead of many people who just daydream about writing. Good for you. Now comes the not so fun part... First, I don't quite get the reference of the word Wampyr. Is it a type-o or an allusion that isn't that common? Sort that one out. How can a person hang themselves on the bar in the closet? It's about shoulder height, it wouldn't work. As a would-be director, leave camera motions, titles, music, etc. out of the script. That's generally the director's call. It's hard to choke on blood which would have to come UP the esophagus that's being constricted by the noose. Plus, unless he dropped from a bit of distance the force of gravity would only cause minor bruising not the type of internal bleeding that would produce blood in the mouth. After Bram wakes up, there should be much more emotion there. A LOT MORE. If I thought I had died and then woke up covered in blood in my room, I would freak out. People aren't observant enough to really notice all changes such as clocks and wall hangings when they're under stress such as a failed suicide attempt and sometimes just in general. This portion needs a bit more exposition. On to the girlfriend's house! I don't think the circumstances behind this scene are right. I would imagine that a suicidal person would go into seclusion after a failed attempt. What seems more likely is that Mary (I like the use of the name, very clever!) would probably find Bram and then this scene would take place. Like the several comments before, work on your dialogue. Study the dialects and mannerisms of whatever region your setting is in and apply that to the characters speech. Most people use contractions and that will certainly help your dialogue sound less forced. In Mary's room-- it would probably take a bit more prying to get at the fact that Bram tried to kill himself. There should be more conflict and evasion here. It's also not a good idea to mention a brand name medication by name. That can get you into A LOT of trouble if the almighty pharmaceutical company decides that it didn't like your usage of their product. Bram's little speech sounds almost like he's reading off a list of possible side-effects so make him a little less sure maybe instead of naming symptoms he can simply state that "he didn't like how they made him feel." Mary should also be more startled by this fact. She seems to be rather accepting of it. Bram's second lard speech about having the dream is also a bit off. I don't think he would have noticed those things. Even if he had, allowing the viewer to see it visually and know it rather than having the characters announce it would be a much more effective way to handle it. When the scene shifts back to Bram's house, be sure to indicate that. I was terribly confused as to why Mary's mother wanted Bram back at midnight. Be sure do differentiate between the two mothers and houses. When Bram's getting ready to drink the blood from the cutting board there should be more internal struggle here. He's not yet sure he's a vampire and most people would find that terribly disgusting. Have him be tempted and resist with all his might. Whether or not he succeeds is irrelevant as long as the conflict is there. After Bram exits his bedroom and sees his mother watching a movie, be careful with your use of other films as copyright law can sneak up on you. When Bram slips on the skateboard and is hovering, it's not necessary to have his comments be a voice over. The character probably would state that out loud out of shock and surprise. It's also not a good idea to break the 4th wall unless it's necessary or intended as a joke so don't have him look directly into the camera. The last line of the reporter's blurb doesn't make a lot of sense. It could be clarified by saying that "her body was found early this morning missing large amounts of blood." After Bram falls to the ground testing himself on the skateboard, I believe that quite a few of his fears would be assuaged at least momentarily until some other fact came forward to show him that he was responsible. As it stands at this point, he's not reason to believe that he is responsible for her death. The priest probably would be more surprised about this kid asking for the rite of exorcism simply because it's hardly used anymore and when it is, it's a huge deal. I really like the scene where he's turning everything right side up in his room. My only two qualms with it are that it should have happened earlier in the script and he should be more startled by being burned by a benevolent thing like a Crucifix. For as long as I could remember, to kill a vampire you would stab them in the heart with a wooden stake. Maybe change the butter knife to a pencil or something wooden to keep up the accuracy to vampire lore. I enjoyed the religious turn. Too few movies stick with Christian ideals. Bravo.

Alrighty! I've said all I can bear to type so hopefully this advice will be useful to you and not taken as an insult. Keep writing man, and I'd be more than happy to keep critiquing.

 

[Matuso]

Re: At least you're writing

Re: At least you're writing

I'm going to be very honest as coddling anyone won't help them develop creatively. I didn't like the script but I really respect anyone who takes the time and has the gumption to write in general. You're already one step ahead of many people who just daydream about writing. Good for you. Now comes the not so fun part...

First, I don't quite get the reference of the word Wampyr. Is it a type-o or an allusion that isn't that common? Sort that one out. How can a person hang themselves on the bar in the closet? It's about shoulder height, it wouldn't work. As a would-be director, leave camera motions, titles, music, etc. out of the script. That's generally the director's call.

It's hard to choke on blood which would have to come UP the esophagus that's being constricted by the noose. Plus, unless he dropped from a bit of distance the force of gravity would only cause minor bruising not the type of internal bleeding that would produce blood in the mouth. After Bram wakes up, there should be much more emotion there. A LOT MORE. If I thought I had died and then woke up covered in blood in my room, I would freak out. People aren't observant enough to really notice all changes such as clocks and wall hangings when they're under stress such as a failed suicide attempt and sometimes just in general. This portion needs a bit more exposition.

On to the girlfriend's house! I don't think the circumstances behind this scene are right. I would imagine that a suicidal person would go into seclusion after a failed attempt. What seems more likely is that Mary (I like the use of the name, very clever!) would probably find Bram and then this scene would take place.

Like the several comments before, work on your dialogue. Study the dialects and mannerisms of whatever region your setting is in and apply that to the characters speech. Most people use contractions and that will certainly help your dialogue sound less forced. In Mary's room-- it would probably take a bit more prying to get at the fact that Bram tried to kill himself. There should be more conflict and evasion here.

It's also not a good idea to mention a brand name medication by name. That can get you into A LOT of trouble if the almighty pharmaceutical company decides that it didn't like your usage of their product. Bram's little speech sounds almost like he's reading off a list of possible side-effects so make him a little less sure maybe instead of naming symptoms he can simply state that "he didn't like how they made him feel." Mary should also be more startled by this fact. She seems to be rather accepting of it. Bram's second lard speech about having the dream is also a bit off. I don't think he would have noticed those things. Even if he had, allowing the viewer to see it visually and know it rather than having the characters announce it would be a much more effective way to handle it. When the scene shifts back to Bram's house, be sure to indicate that. I was terribly confused as to why Mary's mother wanted Bram back at midnight. Be sure do differentiate between the two mothers and houses.

When Bram's getting ready to drink the blood from the cutting board there should be more internal struggle here. He's not yet sure he's a vampire and most people would find that terribly disgusting. Have him be tempted and resist with all his might. Whether or not he succeeds is irrelevant as long as the conflict is there. After Bram exits his bedroom and sees his mother watching a movie, be careful with your use of other films as copyright law can sneak up on you. The last line of the reporter's blurb doesn't make a lot of sense. It could be clarified by saying that "her body was found early this morning missing large amounts of blood."

When Bram slips on the skateboard and is hovering, it's not necessary to have his comments be a voice over. The character probably would state that out loud out of shock and surprise. It's also not a good idea to break the 4th wall unless it's necessary or intended as a joke so don't have him look directly into the camera. After Bram falls to the ground testing himself on the skateboard, I believe that quite a few of his fears would be assuaged at least momentarily until some other fact came forward to show him that he was responsible. As it stands at this point, he's not reason to believe that he is responsible for her death.

The priest probably would be more surprised about this kid asking for the rite of exorcism simply because it's hardly used anymore and when it is, it's a huge deal. I really like the scene where he's turning everything right side up in his room. My only two qualms with it are that it should have happened earlier in the script and he should be more startled by being burned by a benevolent thing like a Crucifix. For as long as I could remember, to kill a vampire you would stab them in the heart with a wooden stake. Maybe change the butter knife to a pencil or something wooden to keep up the accuracy to vampire lore. I enjoyed the religious turn. Too few movies stick with Christian ideals. Bravo.

Alrighty! I've said all I can bear to type so hopefully this advice will be useful to you and not taken as an insult. Keep writing man, and I'd be more than happy to keep critiquing.

I edited this to make it readable (paragraphs), because it has good things to say.

 

[MRoytman]

This is a technical comment

If this is a script that you'd be filming yourself, this is perfectly fine as is, but if you're looking to sell it you really don't want to make it technical.

Don't give shooting directions in your script, Directors like to come up with them themselves. Another reason not to is that it prevents your reader from getting sucked into your script, words like "wide angle shot" make a filmmakers mind wonder on the look and distracted from reading your script.

 

[escapingmyshadow]

thanks

thanks

thanks for all the suggestions... I shot like half the film and decided that it didn't make any since to me... LOL... I just had to rush a film in order to get accepted to this school of the arts but I will just do it next year... I would rather shoot a good film with a lot of work and go a year later then shoot a sucky one and not get in at all... thanks for all the advice!