Short Horror - Dead End Street (FilmMaker Wanted)

[Muse]

Hey I'm new to the forum, a friend of mine referred me to here as I'm looking for a FilmMaker to make my original short.

I'm also currently writing an original feature, and I'm roughly 60 pages through it.

Title: Dead End Street (Working Title)

Length: 28 Pages Long

Genre: Horror

Written by: Peter Pearson

Plot Outline:
The story is about a group of movie influenced psychopaths, taking it on themselves to make their own horror movie. Plaguing the streets with death, they post their victims murder's on the internet to lure viewers to watch, not knowing viewing, they'll be next in line.

Plans: Get made by an Indie FilmMaker, and get the original piece made to start off my IMDB.


Direct Link to View it
http://www.freewebs.com/muse32/Dead End Street - R2.pdf

 

[Muse]

Don't let the plot outline make you stop reading it, that's just the plot, the story is actually twisted and the scene's are quite entertaining.

If anyone has had a read, please leave a comment. Cheers.

 

[cybersarge]

Now that was some freak shit. Wouldn't mind filming that myself.

 

[Muse]

Cheers, I like writing disturbing Horror's rather than boring slasher

Thanks for reading it cybersarge.

Have you made many shorts before?

 

[Muse]

If you're interested in putting it into production, can you PM me with any of your work you've done, I'm just looking for someone with a decent camera and a normal camcorder (for the psychopaths recordings) for this to be filmed, some good actors, and a creative film maker to transcribe the story onto Screen.

 

[AFP]

The screenplay isn't ready yet I don't think. It still needs a lot of work and probably a few more redrafts. It's the same thing continuously for 20 minutes, and there's not let up or anything else to happen, just 20 minutes of trying to make us jump out our seats, and soon we'll get used to it. Also, learn when to use "their" and "there".

 

[Muse]

The screenplay isn't ready yet I don't think. It still needs a lot of work and probably a few more redrafts. It's the same thing continuously for 20 minutes, and there's not let up or anything else to happen, just 20 minutes of trying to make us jump out our seats, and soon we'll get used to it. Also, learn when to use "their" and "there".

I beg to differ on the remark it's just 20 minutes if trying to make us jump, the first murder doesn't take place till practically the end of the 7th Page.

I agree that this screenplay may need some more re-drafts (currently under way at this point, going into greater depth with the characters).

As for 'their' and 'there' I do know the differences I just have a slight error of writing it in the wrong way due to 'being in the moment' whilst writing

 

[AFP]

I like the premise, I just think you need to go back and redraft it a lot. If you want some ideas on what I'd do I'd be willing to talk to you about it.

 

[Muse]

Thanks, I'm currently re-writing this at the moment, a new beginning and also be re-writing some of the other scenes.

Cheers for the criticism though. It can only get better right? lol I'm gonna try and do this on my own, I get more satisfaction out of it that way if it gets a better review.

I'll post the new link up soon when I've finished and sorted all the stuff out.

hope you'll like the new twists in it.

 

[Muse]

UPDATED!!!

 

[AFP]

OK, well firstly you really need to proof-read your script once you've finished it, because there's so many little mistakes all over the pages and it's annoying to read them all. This one I found funny, however: "pulls out a clawed glove with claws". Just check on that next time!

Also, page 4, why is the scene where he kills the woman a flashback? It seems to be occurring in standard time?

I think you have hit the opposite now, there's horror at the start and the end, and a huge gap in the middle where nothing really happens. Suspense isn't even being built up, it's just these characters that don't really seem to contribute to much. Having a steady build up there would be much better, or even cuts of some horror scenes.

How old are the characters? They seemed to be fairly young, but then Joe says he's a writer at a party, so I imagined him a lot older.

When Edward and Jessie are watching the movie, they aren't going to consider calling the police. If they find something on the internet chances are they'll believe it's fake and just some kind of amateur horror movie. I think you shouldn't make them as scared, more scared by watching a movie as opposed to them actually believing it, for a hint of dramatic irony, until they realise its someone they know.

Also, where's the motivation behind what's happening, or isn't there any? I couldn't find any in the script.

So that's my current gripes with it anyway. Apart from that it's not bad, though it still needs some work.

 

[Muse]

Yeah I went back and proof read it just after posting it then I re-written it and posted it back up, I think you read the first update just before I proof read it.

hahaha that made me laugh when I read that back aswell, I was like WTF? lol

Page 4 is a flashback, it's something he did before he went into the store, but doesn't remember, hence the flashback, but when he finds the glove he realizes he planted it their himself.

characters are based around 17+, Joe is 18, a young writer. where as Jessie and Edward are 13.

Edward and Jessie think the first killing on the net was possibly a fake but are unsure as a 13 year old would think seeing it, until they see Jessie's sister Lisa on one of the videos.

Ah Motivation for the killers, their isn't any known reason in the script, but it's all down to a group of mentally unstable horror fans who want to taste what it's like to be first person, and once they've experienced it, they don't want to stop. I did try to refer to it in the email on page 7 "feels good doesn't it" They're trying to test him.

I'm not sure about the gap your referring to (the 32 hours later part? that night is seen in the flashbacks - the part scene), but I know what you mean about suspense, they should be a build up.

 

[AFP]

I couldn't pick up on any of that motivation, I think you should make it a little bit clearer. Where he originally gets the glove fro, or how he originally meets the people, or where the thing he's listening to in the headphones comes from should probably be explained, too.

I mean from about page 5 to page 15 nothing happens, it's just lots of dialogue that mostly amounts to nothing, throwaway stuff that we don't need, that could be about 10 minutes of film time where your audience could get bored, because it's not compelling enough.

Does Joe go to university or anything? I find it hard to believe he'd be an 18 year old in-work writer, and if it's just his hobby you should make it clearer, as she's asking him specifically about a job. At their age, I'd be more inclined to ask "Do you still go to school/uni?" as opposed to "What do you do?".

 

[Muse]

I know you couldn't pick up on it, but all the signs are their of him being mentally unwell.

David gets the glove from the costume shop, hence why there is no money left in his wallet. Little things you may have missed out are important in this characters development.

David doesn't meet them, they contact him, and he replies un-knowingly like his life is panning out to be, he doesn't know what he's doing but he yearns it.

The dialogue between page 5 - 15 is the characters getting to know each other, resembling a normal day to day life. Showing these characters are human and they aren't just characters.

Joe is just a writer, as myself, you don't need to be working to be a writer, it can be spontaneous and most of all he's doing it out of respect for his little brother who died.

The college reference was made to Christina, there for she assumed he didn't and asked so.. what do you do?

 

[AFP]

I know you couldn't pick up on it, but all the signs are their of him being mentally unwell.

David gets the glove from the costume shop, hence why there is no money left in his wallet. Little things you may have missed out are important in this characters development.

Well it appeared to me that he was just poor. Christina offers him a fiver for doing it, so I assumed that's why he had no money. You need to make it clearer.

David doesn't meet them, they contact him, and he replies un-knowingly like his life is panning out to be, he doesn't know what he's doing but he yearns it.

So they contacted him and said "You need to kill people"... And he decides he's going to kill people? If you explained this more I think it would help.

The dialogue between page 5 - 15 is the characters getting to know each other, resembling a normal day to day life. Showing these characters are human and they aren't just characters.

This is far too long for what you are trying to create. The dialogue seems superfluous to the story and crafted, as opposed to real people speaking. If you cut this down by 5 pages you'd make it more interesting and still have the characters there. Building up Joe for 10 pages in flashbacks and then all we see is him dying isn't good character creation, it's wasted time in this horror short. You need to at least be building up suspense here.

Joe is just a writer, as myself, you don't need to be working to be a writer, it can be spontaneous and most of all he's doing it out of respect for his little brother who died.

It just came across as Joe being a guy that, as we probably all do here on the forum, try to write in our spare time as a hobby.

The college reference was made to Christina, there for she assumed he didn't and asked so.. what do you do?

Ok, as I said, it just seemed a bit strange for the age group.

I'd just like to clarify I'm not attacking your writing or you, I'm trying to tell you what my feelings were towards the script. I took the time to read both versions, and I'm giving you honest suggestions and feelings towards it. I know as a writer it's hard when someone says something against your script, and I know it's even harder to notice that your script may be lacking in one area, because you in your head know all the backstory, the characters and the plot. It's something I often have trouble with, and find myself doing the same thing I think you are doing. You know you have why David is doing it in your head, the way all the characters work, and all the clues, but on paper to someone reading it, I just don't see it. You explaining it to me is good, but you need to get that down into your script.

 

[Muse]

I know where your coming from, I know you're not attacking my work but given me constructive criticism, I applaud that especially taking the time to read my short.

I think this could do with another re-write but explaining the main character's schizophrenia is a challenge as it is knowing you have a mental illness.

It's very hard but I'll find away around, I always do somehow lol

The reason I tried to build up Joe's character, as I wanted it to be a shock, something you wouldn't expect.

I'm just trying my best to not go for a straightforward story, and make it as original as possible with missing time, and twists, you wonder where that time went and what they did within that time is quiet frightening in my perception.

Right I'm off to bed as I'm totally knacked and have another crack at it tomorrow, maybe re-write it and re-do some dialogue.