Opening Scene

[FilmUnited]

Hi everyone.

I am three weeks away from principal photography on a seven minute short film that I wrote and am directing. I am trying to polish the script to make sure the scenes flow and the dialouge is as effective as possible. I have posted the first two pages, the opening scene of the film, online and it is available in final draft format. I am stuck in my rewrite and could use any feedback possible.

Opening Scene

If anyone reads it and has interest in the rest, I will explain the whole story. If anyone is looking to work on a full rewrite, I would also be interested in what you have to say. Thanks everyone!

Corey

 

[MarkG]

Not bad. Being British I know nothing about baseball, but at least you've got some major conflict set up in the first two pages and not spent ten minutes setting things up and boring the audience like so many shorts I see . Normally I dislike voiceovers, but I think it works OK here.