My first try at a screenplay (opening scene, page 1)

[ChrisHurn]

Hey all. I'm a high school student collaborating with an animator to work on a short about a samurai and ninja. I don't usually write, but do music/directing. I thought I would try to write a screenplay, but I am not sure if I'm going in the right direction or not. There a bits and pieces missing, so it may sound like there are gaps in the story at this point.

Here it is so far. Please give me crits/comments.

EXT. MOUNTAIN - EVENING
[fade in]
It is early evening. A samurai is crouching at the edge of a mountain, holding a girl in his arms. The girl’s name is TAKARA. She looks into the Samurai’s face before whispering her last breath.

TAKARA
I love you...

TAKARA’s head falls. She is dead. We are now shown a Ninja, standing a a few meters away from the Samurai. He is still in his stance position, with his right hand open. 
He chuckles, but the samurai does not look at the Ninja. Instead, he gently pulls the blood-covered knife from TAKARA’s body. He looks down. The only movement is the grass, pulled by the gentle wind. The Ninja chuckles again. The Samurai slowly turns his head toward the Ninja. He places TAKARA down on the grass and stands.

The Ninja reaches down to his belt and removes two short daggers. He holds one in each hand, and throws them towards the Samurai. The samurai pulls out his sword just in time. He strikes the two daggers, which then fall to his side. The Samurai glares into the Ninja’s eyes.

SAMURAI
I am going to kill you.

NINJA
I’d love to see you try.

With that, the Samurai charges towards the ninja. He swings at the Ninja, however the Ninja is much faster than he is. The Ninja does a back-flip, dodging the Samurai’s attack.

Thanks!

-Chris

 

[Kim Welch]

interesting, keep going

interesting, keep going

good start, keep going!

Kim

 

[MarkG]

Not bad. The one thing I would point out is this:

We are now shown a Ninja, standing a a few meters away from the Samurai.

I'd never use phrases like 'we are shown' or 'we see' or 'we hear' in a script. I don't know about other people, but when I'm reading a script and it says something like that, it really brings me out of the story and reminds me that I'm reading a script.

In this case, for example, why not just say something like 'A NINJA stands a few meters away from the Samurai'? People reading the script should be smart enough to realise that we aren't meant to have seen them until that point, and it doesn't break the immersion in the story.