Brutal Feedback on My rough draft. any help would be liked.

[Dylan pearson]

I’m a Director who has written his first script. It’s a short about a man with agoraphobia. Any feedback would be appreciated. The more brutal and to the point the better. Thank you very much my fellow filmmakers. this web site wont let me attach it so ill post it in the forum. sorry for any inconvince about the way its been posted

INT: HOUSE SHOT SLOWLY FADES UP FROM BLACK SCREEN DURING DIALOGUE.
DOCTOR
How are you feeling today Cole?
COLE
Good, good, I’m doing good today how are you?
DOCTOR
I’m fine. How’s the wife been?
COLE
She’s good, she’s out right now or else I’d let you talk to her.
DOCTOR
I’ll see her another time
COLE
Of course
DOCTOR
So, Cole, how has it been going, the agoraphobia I mean. Have you gotten the mail like we talked about?
COLE
Well last week I was very busy and it totally slipped my mind and
DOCTOR
So that’s a no then. Cole… I can’t help you get over this fear of yours unless you put forth the effort to want to get over it.

COLE
I do it’s just hard you know.
DOCTOR
I know, I completely understand. That’s my job. I know you’re afraid to get out of this house but you have to.
COLE
Why? I love it here. And I have Christine to do everything that needs to be done outside. I have a great job, and I’m happy.
DOCTOR
There are a few reasons; speaking anatomically you need direct sunlight. If you want to talk spiritually it’s hard to have faith when you haven’t seen a preacher in two years. And speaking from one friend to another, instead of doctor to patient your wife and I don’t want you to see you spend your life living in fear, what you went through was traumatic yes. But don’t you think it’s time to let it go?
COLE
Traumatic? Spiritually? Doctor I was shot. Some punk a** kid who couldn’t shave yet pulled out a gun and shot me on a subway, and you’re telling me a god would let that happen? You think I was traumatized? That’s a f**king understatement. It was a kid…. I mean Christ now every time I try to walk outside I have a fucking panic attack because I’m afraid the mailman is going to pull out a forty-five and go Dirty Harry on my ass.
DOCTOR
I get it I really do Cole. Its my job to help people with phobias. All I'm trying to say is I walked here today and no one shot me. I’ll be back in two days. Try to get that mail like we talked about.
(Doctor leaves as Christine Enters)
CHRISTINE
Max how are you?
DOCTOR
I’m quite well how are you?
CHRISTINE
I’m quite well. How are you babe?
COLE
I’m good.

CHRISTINE
Did you get the mail like max asked a few weeks ago
COLE
No.. I freeze up when I do. I can’t go outside just yet.
CHRISTINE
(phone rings) hello. Yes hello.
SWICTH TO BLACK AND WHITE
Cole stands up and walks to the door, opens it, and screams
SWITCH TO NORMAL VEIW BEING THAT IT WAS A DREAM
COLE
Christ (goes back to bed)
INTINNER TABLE
COLE
This is very good
CHRISTINE
Thanks, I make it every Monday though
COLE
a man can’t enjoy Monday dinner every night?
CHRISTINE
It’s really not that good tonight it’s to soggy

COLE
Well I think it’s quite good. It’s so good I might make dessert (winks)
CHRISTINE
Not tonight I’m tired
COLE
you’ll be tired after what I'm going to do to you
CHRISTINE
Look Cole I just need to sleep
(quiet for a while ad lib some failing small talk.)
CHRISTINE
So tomorrow I need to leave for a business trip. I’ll be in Santa Fe for the next two days.
COLE
But tomorrow is our anniversary
CHRISTINE
Yeah, but I’m getting promoted to manager. This is a big deal Cole
COLE
I know babe. I’m proud of you.

CHRISTINE
We’ll celebrate once I get back.
COLE
All right…
CHRISTINE
I’m going to shower.
COLE
yeah, I’m going to bed I’m tired
INT:BLACK AND WHITE SHOT THE DREAM OF THE OPEN DOOR.
INT: BED
COLE
Shit… (Goes back to bed)
INT: LIVING ROOM
COLE
Have fun I’ll miss you
CHRISTINE
I’ll miss you too. (Kiss and leave)
COLE
(Pantomime the rest of the day gets call from doctor)
DOCTOR
Cole. How are you feeling today?
COLE
I’m good
DOCTOR
Are you going to get the mail today?

COLE
I don’t think so max.

DOCTOR
Why not? Cole you can’t live your life in fear. What would happen if a fire hit, or right outside your door some man was raping your wife?
COLE
I’d kick the man’s a**
DOCTOR
But would you.
COLE
(is silent)
DOCTOR
You see Cole. You need to at least try today. Well that’s all I needed to address goodbye
COLE
Goodbye(looks at door then watches TV. Next day the same thing happens)
INT:LIVING ROOM CHRISTINE COMES BACK
CHRISTINE
Hey Cole
COLE
hey babe how was the trip

CHRISTINE
It was wonderful, how was your time alone?
COLE
Like every other day I guess.
CHRISTINE
Did you get the mail like Max asked
COLE
How did you know about that?
CHRISTINE
Max called me and asked me to ask you. I’m worried, Cole do you remember when we first started dating. I want to go back on dates like we used to.
COLE
I told you no. I'm not ready to go outside after what happened to me.
CHRISTINE
I know it’s tough out there but I go out every day and I haven’t been shot. Not every person is a gangbanger with a gun. I don’t want you to be afraid anymore. I miss the man I married
COLE
Christine I'm still the same guy, but he was twelve. It scared me I can’t go out anymore! I don’t know how else to explain it to you, you don’t know what it’s like. I thought you would always support me. And honestly where the hell did this come from I’ve been inside for two years and now you’re telling me that I'm a changed man.

CHRISTINE
Why the fuck are you yelling at me Cole. I have worked my a** off to make this work. Do you have any fucking clue what it’s like not having a damn social life because my husband can’t get over something that happened two years ago, Therapy costs a shit ton of money Cole and it’s a lot more expensive if you don’t ever progress.
COLE
I don’t even know what to say to that.
CHRISTINE
Cole, I'm cheating on you, there was no santé fe it was all a lie. I met up with my boyfriend Jonathon and stayed with him

COLE
Why the f**k have you been doing that. I’ve been true to you.
CHRISTINE
You never go outside you don’t have a damn choice but to be truthful to me! I have needs. I need to go outside once and a while to dinner and movies. You’re too dependent on me and max. And the only reason I’ve stayed this long was because I though you would get better.
COLE
I love you though
CHRISTINE
If you love me then come outside with me right now.
COLE
I can’t you know I can’t
CHRISTINE
Your such a p*ssy Cole
COLE
your such a w**re. Why did you do that to me?

CHRISITNE
go to hell(she leaves Cole watches her from the window. And cries)

COLE (calls doctor)
Doctor?!? Christine left me
DOCTOR
Did you go after her.

COLE
I couldn’t do it.
DOCTOR
Goddamn it man you need to go outside and get her back.
COLE
can you come with me
DOCTOR
I’ll be over in five
(Doctor shows up)
EXT:STREETS

COLE
Christ man I’m scared.
DOCTOR
Come on Cole man up. You don’t even live in a big city no one is going to hurt you here.
(SIRENS a man running from the cops trips. His gun misfires and shoots cole.)
DOCTOR
shit! Cole my god man you’ll be ok. SOME ONE CALL AN AMBULANCE
COLE
I didn’t get the mail. (chuckling.) Max. I should have just got the mail.(sirens)
DOCTOR
Don’t worry Cole you’ll be ok.
COLE
Max
DOCTOR
yes?
COLE
I’ll never be ok.
DOCTOR
Cole it was a play, I told Christine to lie to try and get you out of the house. She loved you. I’m so sorry Cole. SOMEONE CALL A GO****MN AMBULANCE.
INT: THE DREAM SHOT AGAIN

 

[Daniel Botha]

Hi Dylan,

I'll be brutally honest with you and say this is a complete mess in terms of format, writing and story. Sorry man, but you've got a lot of work ahead of you if you want to get this one cleaned up. I understand that you were unable to post this in the correct format due to forum restrictions, but just from reading this sample I can tell that your format is way off. I'll get to that later.

The wee moment at the start between the doctor and Cole is so awkward I doubt any actor could actually take it seriously. Typically in screenwriting, you should avoid conversations like this: "Hi, how are you?"... "I'm good thanks..." - It's just so redundant and pointless on screen. You'd be better off just getting to the point and being done with it. None of this wishy washy stuff that serves no purpose in your story.

It's absolutely essential to set the scene. Describe the house. A lack of visuals makes it impossible to allow our own interpretation. So far your characters are seated in a white abyss. Describe the objects in the room -- Set the scene.

Not sure about the formatting on the first slug...

INT: HOUSE SHOT SLOWLY FADES UP FROM BLACKSCREEN DURING DIALOGUE.

I'll tell you right now, you've got things mixed up here. It is absolutely essential to understand the basic conventions of a dialogue. LAck of a basic understanding won't serve you well when you're talking to professionals and you start talking about the completely wrong thing. There are three basic things a slug tells us...

1)Whether we are inside or outside (INT/EXT)
2) The exact location (HOUSE)
3) The time of day (DAY/NIGHT)

The way currently written, this opening "slug" isn't a slug at all. There shouldn't be a colon after INT and the "Slowly fades up..." bit is completely irrelevant for a slug. Try this, instead...

INT. HOUSE - DAY

The "FADE UP FROM BLACKSCREEN..." bit is irrelevant. Of course it's from a black screen! It's a film. A simple FADE IN: at the top left corner of the page will suffice.

Long speeches in a script tend to be awkward on film, particularly in shorts. Try and break it up a bit with some action.

As for the story, there isn't a lot in it. The dialogue is incredibly awkward and on-the-nose in places. The entire thing plays out through dialogue which is never a good thing. You've got to have some action to help propel the scenes forward. I'm not talking about fight scenes and stuff. I'm talking about character movement and setting the scene with some description. Otherwise, there's nothing to feed our imagination.

Read more screenplays, professional and amateur to learn the ropes. Once you know how to properly structure a screenplay you won't regret it. It also helps to read articles online and read screenwriting books. At the moment, you need to work on the basics as the way this is formatted doesn't really class it as a screenplay at all.

If you have any questions, just ask.

Dan