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EXT. RIDGE ROAD – DAY
Two teenage boys ride their bikes down the hill on their way home from a repair shop in the next town. One has tan skin, resembles the epitome of an Italian, and has a guitar strapped to his back – Daniel Pascarelli. He is down to earth but a bit sarcastic and discouraging. The other is heavier, has white skin and wears a red hat, and has a duffle back around his shoulder – Nick Cassidy. He is completely oblivious towards his surroundings and is not the most intelligent person you’ll ever meet. Although they look nothing alike, the two are cousins. The song “What I Want” by Autopilot Off is plays in the background while the two boys swiftly glide down the hill and munch on candy. DAN snacks on some Twizzlers while NICK pops jellybeans into his mouth.
NICK
Jellybean DAN?
DAN
Nah, I’m good man.
NICK
You sure?
DAN
Yea.
NICK
Because I think should have one . . .
NICK rudely puts a jellybean in Dan’s face.
DAN
Oh you do?
NICK
(nods)
Hmm . . . yea.
DAN
Well I think you should get that god forsaken thing out of here before I beat you’re face in.
NICK
Fair enough.
NICK removes the jellybean and has seemed to calm down. Suddenly, he shoves the jelly bean into DAN’S closed mouth.
NICK
Eat it! Eat it!
DAN
Fine! Jesus, Mary and Joseph . . . and Moses. Don’t get you’re panties in a bunch.
DAN brings it to his mouth and then tosses it on the road.
DAN
Oops, my bad.
NICK
Hmm, don’t bother me. It’s not like I don’t got two pounds of the stuff loafin’ on my hefty back.
DAN
What did you just say?
NICK
I don’t remember. As you know I have a short term memory . . .
DAN
Two pounds of jellybeans? Does that refreshify you’re memory. NICK, please don’t tell me we biked to Monroe to buy jellybeans.
NICK
Dan, we did bike to Monroe to buy jellybeans. Actually, I biked to Monroe to buy jellybeans – you bought Twizzlers.
DAN
Unbelievable NICK, unbelievable.
NICK
Oh calm you’re friggin’ horses DAN! – you weren’t doing nothin’ today anyhow.
NICK shakes his bike while rampaging on Dan and the piñata drops to the ground, causing it to break open and the jellybeans to disperse all over the road.
DAN
(laughs)
Good one NICK! Way to suck!
NICK
(pauses)
Come here you stupid son of a-
DAN rides away quickly while hysterically laughing. NICK tries his best to keep up. After riding a bit, they arrive at the house in which NICK is renting out the apartment downstairs. DAN arrives first and drops his bike on the lawn. NICK follows him up fairly quickly.
DAN
You ok NICK? I was almost positive you’d go
back to salvage the jellybeans.
DAN giggles and NICK throws DAN’S bag into his stomach. They begin walking towards the door on the side of the house.
DAN
I still can’t believe you lied to me NICK.
NICK
(interrupts DAN)
Shut up for a second.
NICK finds a note on the door and reads it to himself.
Dear NICK:
Gary surprised us with a vacation to the Cayman Islands! We’ll be gone for a few days, so take care of yourself. You’re welcome to use the rest of the house, but no friends! Have fun and stay safe!
~The Johnson Family
While NICK reads the letter to himself, DAN carries on in the background:
DAN
Listen, I know you really did crash your car in a severe run in with a groundhog, but still, you told me this was gonna be a joyride, and a way to secretly shed pounds – buts its ok, if anything I could drop a few lbs. myself – meanwhile you’re devising a plan to stuff two pounds of jellybeans into a piñata so you can feast like no other – then you go and drop the damn thing, so there was really no point to us riding over there. And now I’m tired, I’m winded, - I mean this could cause long-term heart difficulties . . .
NICK finishes reading the letter.
NICK
Will you shut up! I needed those jellies desperately.
NICK crumbles up the letter, tosses it in the trash, then opens the door to the apartment and they walk in.
EXT. NICK’S APARTMENT – DAY
DAN
Gimme a break NICK. The last thing you need is A jellybean, let alone two pounds of the stuff.
NICK
Hey! Why don’t ya shut up!
DAN
You shut up!
NICK
You shut up double butter knife!
DAN
You shut up single eightsies no double wheelchair with triple cookie dough utensils!
NICK
You shut up penta-taz crazy eyes attachment single flap-disk beaver wacker!
DAN
No. You shut up infinity cartridge dipsie swing!
NICK
What are you doing? You can’t dipsie swing a triple cookie dough utensil.
DAN
Oh yes I most certainly can.
NICK
Nah ah I read it in the official 2004 rulebook – limited edition.
DAN
Well that’s not fair, I don’t own the limited edition – we’ve been over this.
NICK
Fine, but we will meet again one day. That I can promise you.
DAN
How ‘bout instead you promise me to shut the hell up and show me your apartment already.
NICK
(gives DAN a strange look)
Follow me.
DAN
(looks around)
Right. Wouldn’t wanna be caught astray on my expedition from the front door to the living room.
DAN follows NICK to the edge to the living room.
NICK
So, what do you think?
Pan across room to see a computer, T.V., couches, and other items.
DAN
(looks around)
This place is off the hook! You know, it’s nice.
NICK
Yea, check it out. You got you’re 19” Dell with a Pentium 4 processor – complete with a high-speed cable modem, a Umax scanner, and, not to mention, a wheelie chair. Next up a-
Pan to crappy boom box – old, ratty, and truthfully, embarrassing. While the camera is on it, a section of the boombox breaks off and falls to the floor. Continue pan to rest of room.
NICK
Next up you got you’re classic DVD collection, a 32” Sanyo, complete with 800 channels of digital cable service, a VCR, PS2, and last but not least, Dolby Digital surround sound speakers installed underneath the sofas.
NICK points back and forth between the two sofas.
DAN
(pause)
Great.
They both stand there, looking around silently and aimlessly while nodding their heads. NICK removes his hat.
NICK
So, you ah, wanna sit down?
DAN
(making it quite obvious that he does)
Yea.
DAN starts forward and NICK, completely brainless, walks straight into the wall. DAN turns around.
DAN
What the hell is the matter with you?
NICK
Nothin – I gotta get that fixed – that . . . wall.
DAN
Interesting.
NICK puts his hat back on as he and DAN make their way to the sofas. DAN leans his bag against the loveseat and takes a seat while NICK plops himself on the large couch and flips on the T.V.
DAN
So, what do you like to do this estate of yours?
NICK
Watch T.V., day and night. Night and day.
DAN
Fantastic.
A moment of silence.
NICK
Hey, no hard feelings right?
DAN
About what?
NICK
You know, me not wanting to live with you and all.
DAN
And choosing these people instead . . .
NICK
(quickly replies)
DAN, how can you blame me? You’re parents have an undying and passionate hatred for me . . .
DAN
True, but . . .
NICK
But what DAN? I can’t live like that. Besides, you can come over any time you want. I’m sure Aunt Sue, I mean, your mom, won’t mind. You’re my favorite cousin and my best friend man, well, my only friend really, you know I wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt you . . .
DAN
I’m sorry NICK, I hate to interrupt this emotional, almost intriguing moment, but I gotta drop a biscuit.
Dan begins to stand up to go to the bathroom, but NICK interrupts.
NICK
Drop a what? I don’t have any biscuits. Besides, I just vacuumed so please, refrain from dropping anything.
DAN
Come on man, stopping messin’ around. I really gotta cut one loose.
NICK
What in God’s name are you talking about DAN? Oh – and if you’re gonna to cut anything, please use scissors – I hate knives.
DAN sits down and begins to explain to NICK . . .
DAN
Not to quick on the uptake, are ya NICK? No? Ok, how ‘bout this . . . I have to ‘drop’ a deuce.
DAN takes a deck of cards out of nowhere, removes the ‘2’ card, and drops it.
NICK
What are you saying?
DAN
No? Ok . . . I have to ‘pinch’ a loaf.
DAN takes a loaf of bread from behind him and, with exaggeration, pinches the loaf.
NICK
I don’t understand.
DAN
No? Ok . . . I have to ‘let a log float.’
DAN drops a stick in bucket of water and lets it float.
NICK
Ok DAN, you’re obviously hiding something. I’m your cous’ dude you can tell me anything – just come out and say it.
DAN
(pauses, then stands up in frustration)
I have to take a crap! I have to sit on the bowl, read the New York Times, and do my damn business!
NICK
And you couldn’t just say that. Damn, you gotta work out your issues man – bathroom’s right over there.
DAN is furious, walks to bathroom and slams the door. He then reopens the door and walks out. He looks through the magazine rack and decides he doesn’t have time to search. He picks the entire thing up and carries it into the bathroom.
NICK
Hey careful with the Auto Trade mags’ – they’re my favorite.
NICK flips through some channels, then gets up and walks to refrigerator.
DAN
(opens an Auto-Trade magazine)
What is this crap?
DAN throws the Auto Trade magazine behind him; it hits the shower door and bounces into toilet.
DAN
Oh boy.
NICK
What was that?
DAN
Ahhh . . . Cr . . . Crabs.
NICK
Crabs?
DAN
Yea . . . You’ve got some serious crab infestation problem.
NICK
(shakes head)
Crabs? Anyway, DAN.
DAN
(bringing the soaked magazine out of the toilet and dropping it in the trash)
Yea?
NICK
You want something to eat? - I gotta freezer fulla food here.
DAN
(makes some pushing noises, then stops and answers)
Surprisingly enough NICK, I’m gonna have to pass on that.
NICK
(completely ignoring DAN’S answer)
Great! I think I’ll throw in some of this new garlic bread I got – TEXAS TOAST – looks pretty good.
Close-up shot on the box of TEXAS TOAST.
DAN
Terrific! Why Not! I’m always up for another random, painstaking dump.
NICK places two pieces of garlic toast on a baking sheet and slides it into the oven. He then knocks on the bathroom door.
NICK
Hey DAN, mind if I play around with your guitar?
DAN is still moaning.
DAN
Go ahead. Just be careful – one of the strings seemed a bit loose the other day.
NICK
Ok.
NICK walks into the living room, picks up the guitar from against the couch, and then gets himself situated on the large sofa.
DAN
Hey Nick?
NICK
Yea?
DAN
Remember how I told you I really had to go?
NICK
Yea. Why?
DAN
Well, I’m having a little trouble here.
NICK
(pause)
And what the hell would you like me to do?
DAN
I don’t know – you got any laxatives?
NICK
(another pause)
No!
NICK carelessly picks up the guitar, takes a pic out of the case and strums. Two strings break in half. NICK is mesmerized.
DAN
Nick, what happened?
NICK
I seemed to have broke your Gi-tar.
DAN
(smiling, sarcastically)
Wonderful. How blessed and fortunate I’ve been today.
NICK carefully puts down the guitar and starts switching threw the channels once again. He comes across an action movie.
Nick
Eh.
He continues to flip and comes across a hockey game.
Nick
(more enthusiastically)
Eh.
He flips to channel 12, where there are infomercials for home decorations and jewelry. This time, it’s rugs that the salesmen are trying to give a bargain on.
Nick
(in a slight queer voice)
Ooo. Rugs.
Nick watches for a bit, but the oven ring goes off. He gets up, waltzes into the kitchen and takes the toast out of the oven. He takes a slice out for himself and places it on a small plate.
NICK
DAN, this is ready when you want it.
DAN
And I can assure you that won’t be anytime in the near future.
NICK
Great, so if you’re not out within the next five minutes, I can have your toast?
DAN
Are you insane?
NICK
(to himself, low whisper)
Only legally . . .
NICK walks into living room with his toast. He then steps on remote accidentally and volume goes very loud – so that DAN can hear it in the bathroom.
NICK
Sweet Jesus who the hell put this on! Stupid . . . rugs . . . channel.
He lies down, flips through the channels and settles on a sports game. Suddenly his dog arises from her bed behind the sofa and attempts to get at his toast.
Nick
Hey. Hey! What are ya doin? Get outta here ya
stupid mutt!
The dog walks away and NICK slowly brings the toast to his mouth. The garlic sensation makes his mouth water. Suddenly, the phone rings and NICK answers.
NICK
Hello?
PLASTIC BAG FACE
Hello? . . . Hello, Mr. Cassidy. Let’s play a game, shall we? What’s your favorite scary movie?
NICK
Hmm that’s a toughie. Yea . . . But I think I’m gonna have to go with-
PBF
Wait just a second. Hold that thought.
He switches lines and talks in a normal voice.
PBF
Yello. Johnny I’m the middle of a mass murder here, can we talk about this tomorrow? Ok, great. Bye. Hello?
Switches back to scary voice.
PBF
I mean, Hello. As you were-
NICK
Right. As I was saying, I’m gonna have to go with-
PBF
Shut up. I don’t wanna hear it. I just want you to take a little looksie out your window; you’re in for a big surprise.
NICK
Umm, ok.
He looks out the window and sees nothing.
PBF
No, the other window.
NICK
Oh.
He walks to a different window, again seeing nothing.
PBF
NO, the OTHER window
Nick walks to the only remaining window in the room and looks out, again seeing nothing.
NICK
There’s nothing there.
PBF
I know.
We see a dark, shady figure walk by the window. PBF knocks over the garbage cans and falls over, creating a large, rambunctious crash.
PBF
Oh crap. Hello, hello?
He switches to scary voice.
PBF
I mean, Hello.
NICK
Yea. I’m still here.
PBF
Good.
NICK
Who is this? You one of DAN’S friends?
PBF
No. I have no knowledge of this DAN of which you speak.
NICK is confused as he expects more to be said.
PBF
(normal voice)
No kid, I’m not.
NICK
Ok, well who are you?
PBF
Hah. I am the most dangeroust serial killers in these here thirty-two American states united.
PBF
(normal voice)
Except in your local phonebook – I’m listed as Jake Thomas, 17 Wapshare Ave., Highland Mills, NY . . . zip code 10930.
PBF
(scary voice)
I, mean . . .
NICK
You, mean . . .
PBF
I mean.
NICK
What do you mean?
PBF
(normal voice)
What do you mean what do I mean? I mean.
NICK
Uhuh, anyway, what do you want?
PBF
Hahaha. I thought you’d never ask . . . but you did. ANYWAY, think hard, Mr. Cassidy, very hard, back to . . . yesterday. Jays Market and Deli, Route 32, 6:47 PM.
Flashback: PBF finds the last box of TEXAS TOAST in the freezer. NICK walks by, looks through the freezer, then rips the toast right from PBF’s hand.
NICK
Oh, I see. I realize why would be so upset, but i must ask this . . .
PBF
Ok.
NICK
Who’s this message for?
We see NICK with a pad and pencil, writing everything down.
• Not one of Dan’s friends
• Serial killer
• I stole his TEXAS TOAST
• Message for:
PBF
Oh my God I give up.
He unlocks the window from the outside and opens it.
PBF
Kid, you’re so dead you don’t even know it.
He closes the window and talks on the phone again.
PBF
That day at the market, NICK, you deprived me more of just some garlic toast. Actually, you didn’t, but I will say this: I will have my toast, and I will have my revenge.
PBF hangs up, as does NICK. NICK turns around to see his toast is gone. He goes frantic, looking under everything.
NICK
Oh my God! Oh my God this can’t be happening!
DAN opens the bathroom door with NICK’S toast in his hands
.
DAN
What is it?
There’s a knock at the door. Knock again. The mystery person knocks a few more times, getting louder and louder with each bang of the door. The phone rings and NICK answers:
NICK
Hello?
PBF
Kid I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to bust the frigin’ door down ‘cause you’re not answering the damn thing.
NICK
Oh. Alright.
The door busts open and there is silence. Soon after, however, we hear the thunderous roar of a chainsaw. DAN is scared out of his wits and we suddenly hear three or four plops in the toilet.
NICK
Oh no you don’t.
NICK runs to the vacuum cleaner, revs it up and lifts it towards PBF.
PBF
Ahh!
DAN
Ahh!
NICK
Ahh!
PBF runs out the door and slams it behind him. NICK looks at the vacuum cleaner, admiring the power and intimidation that scared away the killer.
NICK
(lowly)
Wow.
PBF comes back in.
PBF
What the hell am I doing? Get over you little tird.
PBF turns on the chainsaw, revs it up, then begins to come towards Nick.
NICK
Mom!
EXT. THE JOHNSON HOUSE – DAY
NICK runs out of the apartment door screaming, PBF following. He shuts the door and the killer runs straight into it. He lowly grunts, than opens the door and continues to move. NICK runs up the stairs with PBF chasing, swinging the chainsaw like a madman – back and forth, around his head and every which way. PBF chases NICK through the kitchen and into the dining room, where PBF inhales, causing the plastic to come into his mouth, making him choke. He finally coughs, causing the plastic comes out of his mouth. NICK takes advantage of the situation by running down the main hallway and into the family’s parents’ room. He sees nowhere to hide so he quickly moves into the bathroom and then behind the transparent shower door. Below him he hears the farts and moans of DAN in the bathroom. PBF slowly comes in, turning the chainsaw off so he is able hear any movements. He searches in the bedroom a bit, but finally concludes that his victim must be in the bathroom. He slowly cracks open the door and steps in. He checks behind the door quickly, and then under the sink. He turns his head to look directly at the shower. He takes a few steps forward – the audience thinking he will open the shower door to reveal NICK. When he comes to the door he quickly leans over and looks in the toilet. When he sees nothing, he is disappointed and bangs on the shelf.
PBF
Damnit!
Items from the shelf pile on top of him.
PBF
Lord!
He slowly begins to pick up the items and put them back on the shelf. He comes across some moisturizer.
PBF
What’s this? Moisturizer?
He looks around and then opens the cap to the bottle. He squirts a bit in his hand and then applies it to his plastic face. He returns the bottle back to its rightful place on the shelf and exits the bathroom. He walks through the bedroom and is about to exit when he hears a loud racket. He slowly turns and powers on his chainsaw, walking slowly towards the bathroom. In the bathroom, NICK is getting out of the shower and is attempting to escape through the window. He opens the window and attempts to stick his head out. However, the screen is still on and NICK’S head goes straight through it. Knowing that the killer is coming his way, NICK climbs through the window without worrying about the screen on his head. He begins to make his way out, slowly but surely. When NICK is almost completely out of the window, he rips the screen off of his head and violently tosses it on the porch. When PBF enters, NICK’S feet are still inside the bathroom. PBF attempts a few times to pull the boy back in the window, but finally realizes that it can’t be done.
PBF
Who am I kiddin!?!?
Instead of trying to pull him back in, PBF shoves him out.
EXT. OUTDOOR PORCH/YARD – DAY
NICK lands hard on the porch as PBF starts to climb through the window. At this moment, NICK steadily rises to his feet, dashes across the deck and makes a death-defying leap to the ground below. When he lands, we see the stunt-double. NICK barges in and says:
NICK
Great job kid – now get the hell outta here, I’m the real actor.
The stunt-double leaves and NICK begins to dart across the yard. He notices that DAN is washing his hands in the bathroom. He yells to him:
NICK
Dan, call 911! Call 911!
PBF finally gets out of the window with his chainsaw still running. He runs to the edge of the porch and looks down.
PBF
Ah hell no!
He scurries down the deck stairs, giving chase to NICK. As NICK makes it across the yard, he reaches the driveway of his neighbor and continues to run with PBF not far behind. Two boys are playing basketball when NICK interrupts.
BASKETBALL KID #1
Timmy, pass it!
The boy is standing in NICK’S path, so he knocks him down.
NICK
Get the hell outta my way kid!
As TIMMY makes a pass to the boy that NICK just knocked over, NICK catches the ball and throws it back – directly at the boys head, knocking him over. NICK continues to run as PBF makes his way up the driveway and encounters the two boys. He revs the chainsaw in their faces, expecting them to run off screaming. Instead, the two stand there and just stare. PBF turns off the chainsaw.
PBF
(puts hands up)
Boogaly! Boogaly! Boogaly!
The two boys run into the house screaming. PBF turns the chainsaw back on and continues to run up the hill.
EXT. NICK’S APARTMENT – DAY
DAN comes out of the bathroom and sprays air freshener in as he exits. Next, he walks towards the phone in the living room.
DAN
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He picks up the phone and begins to dial . . .
EXT. WOODS – DAY
NICK is crawling under some low hanging thorn branches to enter the woods. PBF follows him up. He slides his chainsaw underneath the branches and than scurries under, tapping his feet against the ground for the last few pushes. He gets up and starts running quickly, gaining on NICK. He catches up and lifts the chainsaw to get ready to deliver a blow, but right as the chainsaw is about to make contact with NICK, he runs straight into a tree and falls over. The chainsaw hits his leg, creating a small, nearly bloodless cut. He screams and rolls over in agony. NICK runs even further but becomes tired, and begins to stumble. PBF takes out a small box of band-aids and some Neosporin. He applies the cream and then places the band-aid on the cut. He gets up and starts his chase once again. At this point, NICK is on the ground gasping for air. He sees PBF approaching and starts to climb to his feet. He runs a little further and then stops. PBF stops also. NICK then jukes left, right, and then goes left. PBF swings the saw and NICK slyly avoids it and starts to run down the hill.
NICK
Hahaha. How you like me now?
Just as he says this, he trips over a rock and rolls all the way down the hill, spitting out dirt and grass at the bottom. PBF runs down the hill, swinging the chainsaw like a maniac, cutting everything in his path. NICK starts to run again and when he and PBF are exiting the woods, we see that PBF has cut down a good portion of the forest.
EXT. YARD – DAY
NICK runs across a yard and then into his own, where he runs by the side of the house. He zigzags up and down the hill on the side of his house, PBF following in his exact trail. NICK begins running around the house as the killer follows him. PBF is so slow, however, that it seems as if NICK is chasing HIM. When NICK reaches the side of the house where the driveway is located, he sees a car pull up the driveway.
NICK
The police!
A man steps out of the car and a smile comes across NICK’S face. After exiting the glare of the sun, it is apparent that this man is no police officer, but a pizza DELIVERY GUY. The man walks swiftly past NICK and smiles. He walks to the door of NICK’S apartment and knocks. DAN answers.
DELIVERY GUY
That’ll be $8.50.
DAN
(counts out money)
Ok . . . That’s five, six, seven, eight, and nine. Keep the change pal.
He pats the man on the shoulder, slams the door and takes the pizza.
DELIVERY GUY
Cheap-skate.
PBF appears again, panting, and begins to chase NICK. NICK quickly dashes around the house as the DELIVERY GUY gets back into his car and pulls away. When NICK reaches the front of the house, he leaps up onto the stoop and stumbles. He regains his strength, opens the front door and then closes it behind him.
NICK
(looks at the clock in the kitchen)
4:30 – Damn, I missed Ricky Lake.
We see NICK in various clips locking doors and windows while DAN eats his pizza and falls asleep.
EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT
PBF finally makes it to the front of the house, where he collapses, gasping for air. We see NICK inside of the house, grabbing a bat from a closet and then locking himself in the bathroom. PBF makes his way around the house, trying to enter, but everything is locked. When he gets to the last window and finds that he cannot open it, he walks to the stoop and sits against the house near the front door.
PBF
(elbows front door)
Damnit!
The front door opens as the audience realizes that NICK locked every passage way into the house except the front door. PBF steps into the house and makes his way up the stairs. He searches around the living room and kitchen and then starts down the main hallway. PBF tries to look in the bathroom, but the door is locked. He knows NICK is on the other side of the door, scared to death. He takes a step back, and then walks straight through the door, appearing on the other side.
NICK
How in God’s name did you do that?
PBF
I don’t know. These editing guys made me do it.
Points to camera.
NICK
(to camera)
Thanks guys, now I’m trapped.
PBF
That you are my friend, that you are.
PBF tries to turn on the chainsaw, but it keeps dying down. He hits the chainsaw with his hand and some triple A batteries fall out. He picks them up. The audience now realizes that the chainsaw was just a toy all along.
PBF
Damn. I knew I should of gone with the Duracells.
PBF looks up, and NICK smashes him over the head with the bat. NICK opens the door and makes a run for it. PBF slowly arises . . .
EXT. NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
DAN wakes up with pizza sauce all over his face. He walks over to the door leading into the rest of the house. He opens and hears screaming and a chainsaw, then closes it and there is silence. He repeats this a couple times, then shrugs and walks over to the computer. He turns on the monitor and begins talking to his friends on the internet. He begins a conversation with one person: Hey Reply: Hey DAN: What's up? Reply: nothing really, you? DAN: Some guy with a chainsaw is trying to kill NICK Reply: Cool
EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT
PBF chases NICK out of the guest bedroom and down the main hallway, carrying the chainsaw no longer. NICK trips and falls and PBF falls directly on top of him.
NICK
(chainsaw noise still heard)
Quick question: If you don’t have the chainsaw anymore, why do I still hear that noise?
PBF
I don’t know. Just shut up so I can kill you.
The chainsaw noise comes to an abrupt halt. NICK leaps up with PBF right behind him. He makes a sharp right turn and guns it down the stairs.
EXT. NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
NICK opens the door to his apartment and dashes past DAN, who is still typing away on the computer.
DAN
(smirks)
Hey buddy, any luck takin’ out that stupid ass chainsaw guy?
Just as the words slip out of his mouth, we see PBF come to a halting stop right in front of DAN. DAN laughs and turns to see the murderer.
DAN
Ughh.
Being the mastermind that he is, DAN takes quick action and throws the TV remote at PBF. PBF looks at DAN, grabs him, drags him over to the bathroom, then throws him in and shuts the door. PBF turns around and sees NICK standing in the living room courageously.
PBF
(points)
You. Get over here.
Nick
(calmly)
No.
PBF
(firmly)
Get over here.
NICK
No.
PBF
What you mean ‘NO’? I’m the God damn killer, and if I say ‘Get over here’ you get the hell over here.
NICK
No.
PBF smiles. Next, we PBF beating the shi* out of NICK. He is doing all sorts of wrestling moves and dropping things on him. Cut – We see NICK and DAN tied up in the bathroom with a basket of various lotions in it. They are moaning.
PBF
(leaning against door)
It puts the lotion on its skin.
DAN
No!
NICK
Shut up!
PBF
It does what its master tells it to do.
DAN
Kill yourself!
NICK
Rot in hell!
PBF
(light voice, then rises to yell)
It doesn’t talk back to its master, unless it wants to die an excruciating and gruesome death in the burning pits of hell!
DAN
Stick it up your ass!
PBF
(frustrated)
You leave me no choice. I must resort to . . . THE FINAL SOLUTION.
As PBF says these words, we hear the theme to Hitchcock’s “PSYCHO.” He busts open the door and rips the two out of the bathroom, tearing the ropes that bonded then to the sink. He drags them off the floor and throws them in the two chairs that accommodate the small kitchen table. Then, out of a small black bag, PBF takes out a box of ALABAMA TOAST. He slowly removes two slices of toast from the box and places them on a plate in front of each victim. One after the other, PBF shoves the toast into DAN’S and NICK’S mouths with a fork. When the two are forced to swallow the toast, they drop dead onto the floor. PBF throws the Alabama Toast behind his box, then flips the box of Texas Toast, catches it, then kisses it and smiles.
FADE OUT
EXT. THE JOHNSON HOUSE – NIGHT
PBF struggles to drag DAN and NICKS’ dead bodies up the stairwell, their heads bobbing up and down as they hit each step. He finally gets up the stairs and continues to drag them into the main bedroom. Next, we see PBF tucking the two boys into the queen size bed. Between them lies a paper sign, shaped like a tombstone. It reads ‘RIP.’ Finally, PBF climbs into bed between the two boys. NICK and DAN get up furiously.
DAN
Mother of God!
NICK
(yelling at camera)
That’s it Mark I’m done – this is THE TEXAS TOAST MASSACRE,
not a Day in the Life of Michael Jackson! . . .
PBF
Alright man, calm down.
Nick
No! We’re not calmin’ down this wasn’t even in the script! I’m done with the videos, I’m done with the movies, that’s it, I’ve had enough, I QUIT!
CUT TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
THE END
