Hi everyone. I've been into film for about a year now and need some judgement on a script i'm writing. Here's a piece:
The Texas Toast Massacre
By
Mark Denega
Third Revision: 3/29/04
ROLL CREDITS – BLACK SCREEN
We hear dialogue and noise from several situations that have recently occurred. First, we hear the sound of a car driving at a moderate speed on a highway during a thunderstorm. The car begins to speed up, and suddenly, we hear the voice of a woman screaming.
WOMAN
John, look out!
The car screeches and skids off the road into a ditch, where it makes a deathly collision with the ground below. Next, we hear police and ambulance sirens rushing to the scene of the accident. Afterwards we hear a voice in a hospital:
WOMAN #2
DOCTOR, what’s going on? Are they going to make it?
DOCTOR
(hesitantly)
I’m sorry, mam. We weren’t able to stop the bleeding in time.
We hear the crying and emotional disturbance of the woman for a few seconds, and suddenly, we hear the voice of the judge at a court hearing.
JUDGE
. . . legal custody of Nicholas Cassidy, the son of John and Nancy Cassidy, will go to the rightful godparents, Gary and Patricia Johnson.
Next, we hear Mr. Johnson speaking to Nick:
MR. JOHNSON
We didn’t have any empty rooms in the house, so we renovated the garage and made it into your own personal apartment. It’s got a kitchen, bathroom, living room - everything you need.
NICK
(depressed)
Yea, everything.
END CREDITS
INT. MULTIPLE SETTINGS – DAY AND NIGHT
We see various clips of things such as dead bodies, a rural looking home and its interior, a person moving into an apartment, and evidence from a crime scene. Over these clips we hear the following:
NARRATOR
The film which you are about to see is an account of the horrific and tragic events that befell a group of two youths in suburban New York. An unbreakable duo of two cousins would become victim to a heartless, cold killer known only as the infamous Plastic Bag Face. Police forces collected thousands of pieces of evidence in a process that became the most difficult and unbearable case in the history of the United States. This appalling and grim chronicle became known as: THE TEXAS TOAST MASSACRE.
EXT. HIGHLAND MILLS, NEW YORK – DAY
The camera moves from a distance down a busy road and past a sign reading HIGHLAND MILLS so that it can be seen clearly.
EXT. RIDGE ROAD – DAY
Two teenage boys ride their bikes down the hill on their home from a repair shop in the next town. One has tan skin and resembles the epitome of an Italian – Daniel Pascarelli. He is down to earth but a bit sarcastic and discouraging. The other is heavier, has white skin and wears a red hat – Nick Cassidy. He is completely oblivious towards his surroundings and is not the most intelligent person you’ll ever meet. The song “What I Want” by Autopilot Off plays in the background while the two boys swiftly glide down the hill and munch on candy. DAN snacks on some Twizzlers while NICK pops jellybeans into his mouth.
What do you think?
The Texas Toast Massacre
By
Mark Denega
Third Revision: 3/29/04
ROLL CREDITS – BLACK SCREEN
We hear dialogue and noise from several situations that have recently occurred. First, we hear the sound of a car driving at a moderate speed on a highway during a thunderstorm. The car begins to speed up, and suddenly, we hear the voice of a woman screaming.
WOMAN
John, look out!
The car screeches and skids off the road into a ditch, where it makes a deathly collision with the ground below. Next, we hear police and ambulance sirens rushing to the scene of the accident. Afterwards we hear a voice in a hospital:
WOMAN #2
DOCTOR, what’s going on? Are they going to make it?
DOCTOR
(hesitantly)
I’m sorry, mam. We weren’t able to stop the bleeding in time.
We hear the crying and emotional disturbance of the woman for a few seconds, and suddenly, we hear the voice of the judge at a court hearing.
JUDGE
. . . legal custody of Nicholas Cassidy, the son of John and Nancy Cassidy, will go to the rightful godparents, Gary and Patricia Johnson.
Next, we hear Mr. Johnson speaking to Nick:
MR. JOHNSON
We didn’t have any empty rooms in the house, so we renovated the garage and made it into your own personal apartment. It’s got a kitchen, bathroom, living room - everything you need.
NICK
(depressed)
Yea, everything.
END CREDITS
INT. MULTIPLE SETTINGS – DAY AND NIGHT
We see various clips of things such as dead bodies, a rural looking home and its interior, a person moving into an apartment, and evidence from a crime scene. Over these clips we hear the following:
NARRATOR
The film which you are about to see is an account of the horrific and tragic events that befell a group of two youths in suburban New York. An unbreakable duo of two cousins would become victim to a heartless, cold killer known only as the infamous Plastic Bag Face. Police forces collected thousands of pieces of evidence in a process that became the most difficult and unbearable case in the history of the United States. This appalling and grim chronicle became known as: THE TEXAS TOAST MASSACRE.
EXT. HIGHLAND MILLS, NEW YORK – DAY
The camera moves from a distance down a busy road and past a sign reading HIGHLAND MILLS so that it can be seen clearly.
EXT. RIDGE ROAD – DAY
Two teenage boys ride their bikes down the hill on their home from a repair shop in the next town. One has tan skin and resembles the epitome of an Italian – Daniel Pascarelli. He is down to earth but a bit sarcastic and discouraging. The other is heavier, has white skin and wears a red hat – Nick Cassidy. He is completely oblivious towards his surroundings and is not the most intelligent person you’ll ever meet. The song “What I Want” by Autopilot Off plays in the background while the two boys swiftly glide down the hill and munch on candy. DAN snacks on some Twizzlers while NICK pops jellybeans into his mouth.
What do you think?
