this is the first script ive written so please tell me how it is, and be honest
INT-INSIDE HOUSE-DUSK
Slow zoom on a man sitting in a chair talking on a phone
Man 1 (in chair)
Do you have it
INT-INSIDE CAR-DUSK
Slow zoom on a man talking on cell phone while driving
George (in car)
yeah
Zoom on briefcase on back seat
George (CONT'D)
When do you want me to bring it
Cut back to Man 1
Man 1
As soon as possible
George (over phone)
I'll be there in half an hour
Man 1
Good
Pan acroos wall to show a third man (Robert) dialing 911
Robert (on phone)
Hello, police
EXT-OUTSIDE MAN 1'S HOUSE-EVENING
George parks his car outside, gets out, grabs the briefcase and lights a cigarette, he walks up to the door, extinguishes his cigarette and rings the doorbell, man 1 opens the door
Man 1
George come on in
they shake hands and George walks in
Man 1
so how've you been
George
Good
Man 1
Do you want some coffee or something
George
No I have to get going so let's do this fast
Man 1
Ok, let me see it
George sets the briefcase down on the table and opens it away fromthe camera
Man 1 (grinning)
Good
George
Do you have the money
Man 1 (still looking into thebriefcase)
Yeah it's right over there
they hear the sound of a car parking
Detective (Outside)
This is the police open the door and come out with your hands up
George
You rat
George starts pulling a gun from his shirt
Man 1
No I swear I didn't tell anybody
George blasts Man 1, picks up the briefcase and runs out the back door just as the detective kicks down the door, he walks over to Man 1's body looks at it and shakes his head
INT - DARKROOM - MIDDAY
FADE IN
detective sitting in dark room in a swivel chair talking on the phone
DETECTIVE
no i didn't catch him
MAN 4
(over phone)
what about robert
DETECTIVE
he hasn't told us much, yet
MAN 4
(over phone)
well see what else you can get out of him
DETECTIVE
will do
detective hangs up phone and walk out of room
CUT
CUT
detective walks down hallway and enters a room with tapes (police archives of some kind) robert (the man who called the police earlier) is sitting on a stool in the back corner, he is smoking a cigarette
DETECTIVE (CONT'D)
so tell me again what happened
robert extinguishes cigarette
ROBERT
i told you already i didn't see anything, after i called you James told me to get out because he had business to take care of, if i had stayed he would have gotten suspicious and called the whole deal off
DETECTIVE
ok
ROBERT
can i leave now
DETECTIVE
yes
detective walks out of room and back down the hall with robert following, he opens the door and robert walks out, detective walks back inside
CUT
CUT
EXT - OUTSIDE DETECTIVE BUILDING - MIDDAY
robert takes out a cell phone looks through contacts and finds the contact labeled george, he pushes send and puts the cell phone to his ear
ROBERT
i'm out
GEORGE
(over phone)
i'll be there in a minute
EXT - OUTSIDE DETECTIVE BUILDING - DUSK
robert is smoking a cigarette as a car pulls up, the car stops and robert gets in
CUT
INT - INSIDE CAR - MIDDAY
GEORGE
so what did they find out
ROBERT
i didnt tell them anything
GEORGE
thats good
robert lights cigarette
GEORGE (CONT'D)
dont smoke in my car
george extinguishes cigarette looks up and slams on the brakes
ROBERT
jesus christ watch the road, so whats in the briefcase
cut to shot of briefcase in the back
GEORGE
youre getting paid your money you dont need to know anything about what is going on
ROBERT
ok, i was just wondering what all the damn comotion was about
CUT
INT - DARKROOM -
Detective on phone
DETECTIVE
Something doesnt seem right about robert
MAN 4
(over phone)
what do you meen
DETECTIVE
i dont know
reviews a tape on a screen
DETECTIVE (CONT'D)
i saw him get picked up by the car that was outside the house we entered
MAN 4
(over phone)
i thought james was dead
DETECTIVE
he is but i dont think thats james' car
MAN 4
(over phone)
do you think its the other mans
DETECTIVE
yes but i could be wrong
MAN 4
(over phone)
look into it and talk to me later
detective hangs up phone and plays video he sees georges car and stops the tape he looks closer and takes down the license plate #, he then turns off the monitor, grabs his gun and goes out of the room
CUT
EXT - OUTSIDE HOUSE FROM BEGINNING - MIDDAY
george and robert pull up to house, detective is waiting inside his car, he walks up to car
ROBERT
thats the detective from earlier
GEORGE
dont worry i'll take care of it
george thunbs back hammer on pistol next to his seat, detective gets to car, george rolls down window
GEORGE (CONT'D)
hello
DETECTIVE
hi my name's hershell i'm with the cspd, i was wondering if this is your house
george begins to speak but robert cuts in
ROBERT
yeah he's my room mate
DETECTIVE
(forcefully)
step out of the car with your hands in the air
george grabs pistol and fires two shots at hershell, hershell ducks and runs backto his car, george and robert get out of car, robert grabs the briefcase, they're running up the driveway and george fires off two more shots behind him, robert rounds corner just as hershell fires of two shots, they hit george in the back, george falls down and robert leans over him
ROBERT
get up george
GEORGE
up not going to make it, take the briefcase and get out of here
ROBERT
how do i open it
GEORGE
heres the code
george gives robert a slip of paper from his pocket, robert takes the paper and georges gun and runs hershell fires more shots at robert, robert runs behind a shed opens brief case
ROBERT
(grinning )
good
robert shuts the brifcase and picks up a pole, as hershell rounds the corner robert hits him with the pole, hershell and robert fight and hershell finally shoots robert he limps over to robert and picks up the briefcase and the slip of paper he opens the briefcase
DETECTIVE
(grinning)
good
BLACKOUT
INT-INSIDE HOUSE-DUSK
Slow zoom on a man sitting in a chair talking on a phone
Man 1 (in chair)
Do you have it
INT-INSIDE CAR-DUSK
Slow zoom on a man talking on cell phone while driving
George (in car)
yeah
Zoom on briefcase on back seat
George (CONT'D)
When do you want me to bring it
Cut back to Man 1
Man 1
As soon as possible
George (over phone)
I'll be there in half an hour
Man 1
Good
Pan acroos wall to show a third man (Robert) dialing 911
Robert (on phone)
Hello, police
EXT-OUTSIDE MAN 1'S HOUSE-EVENING
George parks his car outside, gets out, grabs the briefcase and lights a cigarette, he walks up to the door, extinguishes his cigarette and rings the doorbell, man 1 opens the door
Man 1
George come on in
they shake hands and George walks in
Man 1
so how've you been
George
Good
Man 1
Do you want some coffee or something
George
No I have to get going so let's do this fast
Man 1
Ok, let me see it
George sets the briefcase down on the table and opens it away fromthe camera
Man 1 (grinning)
Good
George
Do you have the money
Man 1 (still looking into thebriefcase)
Yeah it's right over there
they hear the sound of a car parking
Detective (Outside)
This is the police open the door and come out with your hands up
George
You rat
George starts pulling a gun from his shirt
Man 1
No I swear I didn't tell anybody
George blasts Man 1, picks up the briefcase and runs out the back door just as the detective kicks down the door, he walks over to Man 1's body looks at it and shakes his head
INT - DARKROOM - MIDDAY
FADE IN
detective sitting in dark room in a swivel chair talking on the phone
DETECTIVE
no i didn't catch him
MAN 4
(over phone)
what about robert
DETECTIVE
he hasn't told us much, yet
MAN 4
(over phone)
well see what else you can get out of him
DETECTIVE
will do
detective hangs up phone and walk out of room
CUT
CUT
detective walks down hallway and enters a room with tapes (police archives of some kind) robert (the man who called the police earlier) is sitting on a stool in the back corner, he is smoking a cigarette
DETECTIVE (CONT'D)
so tell me again what happened
robert extinguishes cigarette
ROBERT
i told you already i didn't see anything, after i called you James told me to get out because he had business to take care of, if i had stayed he would have gotten suspicious and called the whole deal off
DETECTIVE
ok
ROBERT
can i leave now
DETECTIVE
yes
detective walks out of room and back down the hall with robert following, he opens the door and robert walks out, detective walks back inside
CUT
CUT
EXT - OUTSIDE DETECTIVE BUILDING - MIDDAY
robert takes out a cell phone looks through contacts and finds the contact labeled george, he pushes send and puts the cell phone to his ear
ROBERT
i'm out
GEORGE
(over phone)
i'll be there in a minute
EXT - OUTSIDE DETECTIVE BUILDING - DUSK
robert is smoking a cigarette as a car pulls up, the car stops and robert gets in
CUT
INT - INSIDE CAR - MIDDAY
GEORGE
so what did they find out
ROBERT
i didnt tell them anything
GEORGE
thats good
robert lights cigarette
GEORGE (CONT'D)
dont smoke in my car
george extinguishes cigarette looks up and slams on the brakes
ROBERT
jesus christ watch the road, so whats in the briefcase
cut to shot of briefcase in the back
GEORGE
youre getting paid your money you dont need to know anything about what is going on
ROBERT
ok, i was just wondering what all the damn comotion was about
CUT
INT - DARKROOM -
Detective on phone
DETECTIVE
Something doesnt seem right about robert
MAN 4
(over phone)
what do you meen
DETECTIVE
i dont know
reviews a tape on a screen
DETECTIVE (CONT'D)
i saw him get picked up by the car that was outside the house we entered
MAN 4
(over phone)
i thought james was dead
DETECTIVE
he is but i dont think thats james' car
MAN 4
(over phone)
do you think its the other mans
DETECTIVE
yes but i could be wrong
MAN 4
(over phone)
look into it and talk to me later
detective hangs up phone and plays video he sees georges car and stops the tape he looks closer and takes down the license plate #, he then turns off the monitor, grabs his gun and goes out of the room
CUT
EXT - OUTSIDE HOUSE FROM BEGINNING - MIDDAY
george and robert pull up to house, detective is waiting inside his car, he walks up to car
ROBERT
thats the detective from earlier
GEORGE
dont worry i'll take care of it
george thunbs back hammer on pistol next to his seat, detective gets to car, george rolls down window
GEORGE (CONT'D)
hello
DETECTIVE
hi my name's hershell i'm with the cspd, i was wondering if this is your house
george begins to speak but robert cuts in
ROBERT
yeah he's my room mate
DETECTIVE
(forcefully)
step out of the car with your hands in the air
george grabs pistol and fires two shots at hershell, hershell ducks and runs backto his car, george and robert get out of car, robert grabs the briefcase, they're running up the driveway and george fires off two more shots behind him, robert rounds corner just as hershell fires of two shots, they hit george in the back, george falls down and robert leans over him
ROBERT
get up george
GEORGE
up not going to make it, take the briefcase and get out of here
ROBERT
how do i open it
GEORGE
heres the code
george gives robert a slip of paper from his pocket, robert takes the paper and georges gun and runs hershell fires more shots at robert, robert runs behind a shed opens brief case
ROBERT
(grinning )
good
robert shuts the brifcase and picks up a pole, as hershell rounds the corner robert hits him with the pole, hershell and robert fight and hershell finally shoots robert he limps over to robert and picks up the briefcase and the slip of paper he opens the briefcase
DETECTIVE
(grinning)
good
BLACKOUT