Intimate scenes - what do I do?

[Andrei]

Hello actors/actresses,

I'm posting here with the hopes of getting some sound and assuring advice. I'm not an actor, nor do I aspire to be one, but I'm here because I need some help with my girlfriend who is starting to get more and more interested in acting.

Firstly, I need to say that I am extremely proud of her. She's a talented painter, makeup artist and currently in graduate school for industrial design; it's no wonder her creative spirit has a natural ability to act! We've been dating for just short of three years, and we have an incredibly special relationship. I'm planning on proposing to her soon.

Her acting journey started not too long ago with an opportunity from an up-and-coming director who met my girlfriend through her mom. He saw she was beautiful, and wanted to give her a shot in a short film. She played a small role and did an amazing job. She's now filming a slightly bigger role, and from our phone calls, it's sounding to me like everyone on set (from production to other actors) is impressed with her abilities. This director is working on getting funding for a new film, and has told her that she will have the opportunity to play a lead role in an independent film which will go into production (possibly) next January.

Now, here's where I'm a bit torn. She explained to me that her character will have to be romantically involved, and there will be some passionate make-out scenes. Again, I'm not an actor, and my logic tells me, "It's only acting, relax!" However, I can't help but feel disdained simply upon the thought of another person kissing her. After all, my feelings are my feelings. I know she's not cheating on me, but for the scene to look realistic, there has to be some sort of chemistry there. I know she's a great woman, and I love her with all my soul, but my heart can't help but feel crushed at the thought of that happening.

I tried to turn the table, just to get a glimpse of perspective as to what it would be like for me to do something like that. But I just can't think of anything to relate, because realistically, there's nothing I do that requires me to kiss anyone else. I know once in a while she gets a little jealous when other women try to get close to me, and she's very open about how she feels when those situations happen. But I never let those things lead anywhere, and certainly none of those women will kiss me, or even touch me.

I want to support her. I want to be happy for her. I love her! I just don't know how to overcome this. Should my feelings be taken into account? What can I say/do? Does anyone have any advice other than, "Don't worry, it's just acting"?

Thanks in advance and I look forward to reading your responses!

Kind Regards,
Andrei

 

[Mr Taylor]

Those feelings you are having are totally normal.
If you didn't have them then you wouldn't be in love with her.
(Well, you could just be possesive I suppose and not love her at all).
I suggest that you dump that girl asap.
Get a girl that has a job that you are haappy with.
I'm thinking that eventually she will run off with one of her leading men.
How could she not, it's like a holiday romance.
And that's fine, as long as your heart isn't lost on her...but it sounds like you are already invested.
The other thing you can do is trust her, and supress your instincts.
After a while you will be happy with the arangement.
but you also have to be prepared for her to get caught up in the moment with another actor and like it so much that she want's to make it a full time thing.
She won't mean to do it, she will regret doing it, but people are weak.
At that piont you have to be able to let her go and move on.
This is not as easy as it sounds.Your brain will have become addicted to the love type chemicals, and the withdrawal will be ugly.
Then you will remeber this thread and wish you had replaced her early on.
Of course you will ignore me.
Love is blind.

 

[temerson]

Stick with her. She's not cheating on you unless she is cheating on you, and it is a very fine line. Something that you may be able to relate to is if you work in an office or are in class where you interact with women. True, you may not have to kiss them for your job. But when you are talking with them around the kitchen and you smile at them, make them laugh, does that necessarily mean you're flirting with them? Not at all. You're being friendly. But that doesn't mean there are romantic feelings involved.

Additionally, it's just a kiss. I'm making an assumption that you've probably gone out with a few girls before this one. If you're like a lot of guys, you go to the bar or to a party, meet a girl, start talking and one thing leads to another and you're making out. Ask yourself, just because you kissed that girl does that mean that you were in love with her, or even in a committed relationship with her? Absolutely not. If this girl likes you, and you like her, then remember it's "just a kiss." And what she does on set or onscreen is never going to feel the same for her as it does when she kisses you.

When you're talking about the "chemistry," the chemistry has to be between the characters, not the actors. When you see your girlfriend kissing some other bloke on screen, you are not watching your girlfriend, who happens to be an actress, wanting to kiss some other guy, who also happens to be an actor. You are watching a character who wants to kiss another character.

One other thing I would suggest is asking your girlfriend to take you and this other actor out for drinks or dinner. I have dated actresses in the past but, as a director and somebody familiar with how these things work, I never worry about them kissing other guys in their work. In fact, I've even directed a couple of them through scenes where they are kissing other actors. Think about that! Having to watch and direct your girlfriend in an intimate scene with another man! But, I digress...

Go out for drinks with this guy. I've been in his shoes before. I've met the actress's boyfriend or, more often, I meet boyfriends for my female friends who I've known since third grade. Their boyfriends will show up feeling juiced up and in that competitive "male" mode that we get into. But, after a few drinks and talking, these guys learn real quickly that I'm no threat to them -- just friends with their girlfriends. In the end, we usually end up becoming pretty good friends. So take this guy out and just hang out with him. For all you know, he may have a girlfriend that's going through the same thing you are.

Point being, stick with her. There's no reason to get upset until there's a reason to get upset. And this is not a reason to drop her.

 

[Mr Taylor]

Oh come on!
Hollywood and movies have not got a good record when it comes to happy relationships and families.
Shall I start with Elizabeth Taylor and end with Jennifer Anniston?
It’s all very well to spout politically correct dogma at a person, but remember this guy has got his heart on the line.
If he’s not that good at taking crushing emotions then the first infidelity will really stop him dead in his tracks.
Forewarned is forearmed.

 

[Mr Taylor]

Here is a link to a related story in the Observer.

http://media.www.ndsmcobserver.com/...Infidelity.A.Plague.On.Populace-2466443.shtml

 

[TennesseeTau]

I know this is a relatively old post, but I'm in a similar situation and I have to say that I'm getting quite annoyed at people saying 1) it isn't a big deal because its just acting, 2) just break up with her because you can't handle it, or 3) you just need to trust her more.

This IS a big deal to people. Not all of us grew up under the impression that a kiss was "just a kiss." Many times, people (myself included) grow up believing that there is something special and intimate about kissing the person that you are TRULY in love with... there is something magical about it.

I'm 22, and I've spent the majority of my life in this belief. My girlfriend is about to perform her first play in which she has to basically make out with another man that is literally a decade older than she is. So now, people are basically telling me to rewrite about 20 years of my life's thought processes to think that this is "just a kiss."

Well to those of you that think that way... I genuinely feel sorry for you because you've lost that innocence and magic that comes with something as "insignificant" as kissing your spouse.

Andrei, its perfectly normal to have the feelings that you have. In fact, don't tell yourself that you HAVE to be okay with it. Its okay to feel uncomfortable about it... its normal. Don't push it to the side like all of these people keep telling you to do. You're in love. Don't lose the magic and innocence that comes from believing that a kiss is something intimate.

Honestly. I have no idea how I'm going to handle this myself. I just know that I love my girlfriend more than anything... including my pride and selfish desires to keep her all to myself. If she wants to act, then I will support her no matter what it takes. Thats what you do when you love someone, you give it all for them, and you support and love them unconditionally.

Also, not everyone has the zero morals. Don't think that she is going to go and run off with a leading man, and don't prepare yourself for it to happen. The people telling you this BS are absolutely ridiculous, and I'm appalled that they REALLY think that. Yes, trust her. Of course, as long as she remains faithful to you, then there aren't any issues.

It IS just acting, but at the same time I understand that its personal... so it ISN'T just acting for people in our situation. It is much more difficult for us to disconnect from the character and view it as someone else be cause we personally know the actor/actress intimately. So that is perfectly normal!

Mr Taylor is full of crap and thinks he knows all. Follow your heart. Sure, it COULD end up crashing and burning, but honestly... whats life without the risk? What is LOVE without the risk?? It those risks and leaps of faith that we take in the name of love that make it so impactful and rewarding.

Heck, I'm not even sure you're still with this girl or what since this post is awefully old. I guess I needed to get this out for myself just as much as it is for you.

I just know that I love my girlfriend, and I am willing to do anything for her even if that means supporting her in something that neither I, nor she, is completely comfortable doing. Knowing that it bothers her as well, and that she finds it awkward and uncomfortable too, eases my mind because at least we can both acknowledge that we're uncomfortable and that its okay to feel that way! I won't change the way I feel about it... because that is proof that I love her... just like my willingness to support her even though I'm uncomfortable is proof that I love her as well.

If she is worth it to you, stick it out. Put her before you. Don't try to put yourself in her shoes and think how you would feel or how she should feel. She is an actress and has a different mindset. As long as you two love each other and remain faithful, there is no problem. Yes, its uncomfortable, but if its love and its REAL then it should be worth the cost.

Sorry for my long rambling rant. I'm just sick of reading the things that I read in reply to your post, and I wanted to give you the perspective of someone else who is literally going through the EXACT same thing. Don't think of it as "just acting" or "just a kiss." Never lose the passion and intimacy that comes with kissing the one that you love. It isn't a trust issue, its an issue of how much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice to be with the girl that you love. Are you willing to put her before you? If so, then you should be fine.

Good luck and God bless you and your relationship (if you're still together).

 

[Mr Taylor]

I had a pretty sharp response to your last post, but will tone it down because I can see you are worried about your own situation.

Look, some girls just want to have fun. Some guys just want to be in love...guess what...disaster area.

this match will never work...totally different focus..I stand by my poistion, get a girl that wants a family and to settle down...one that is after fame or fortune will bring you nothing but trouble.

 

[TennesseeTau]

I had a pretty sharp response to your last post, but will tone it down because I can see you are worried about your own situation.

Look, some girls just want to have fun. Some guys just want to be in love...guess what...disaster area.

this match will never work...totally different focus..I stand by my poistion, get a girl that wants a family and to settle down...one that is after fame or fortune will bring you nothing but trouble.

I read your "sharp" response.

Of course I'm worried and concerned about my own situation, but I stand by what I said. I mind my manners perfectly well. I gave my honest opinion about the situation AND your advice.

My girlfriend isn't excited about this scene. She isn't in it for the "fun" of it. Like I said before, not everyone has a complete lack of morality like you are assuming.

The match CAN work. Why? Because there IS a common focus on family, setting down. Because there is MORE to it than getting an adrenaline fix or something. You assume that all or most actors/actresses are after fame and money. Have you ever considered that some people do it because they love acting? And that they view it as something the God is calling them to do so that they might be able to share their faith? That sometimes, they don't necessarily enjoy the roles they are asked to play, but they do them because they see the opportunity to share what they believe in and live out their faith?

I'm not going to go religious or anything, but I'm making a point. Try not to be so jaded. In the post you deleted, you said that you know the situation as well because its happened to you in many forms. Well, maybe you're letting your experiences get the better of you. Either way, your answer may have been "blunt and to the point" but it speaks nothing about love.

Love works two ways, sir. And when two people really love each other, stuff like this can be worked out and dealt with. Its silly to just run away from the situation because it gets tough. Actually, its stupid to say "just dump her" because you feel uncomfortable about one situation without ever really giving it time to work out or anything. Thats why divorce rates are so high... because people won't face the problems that come due to all the cynicism they encounter.

I will apologize for saying things about your advice HOW I said them, but firmly believe that you view is misguided and overly-cynical. Love exists, and just because you think you know how personalities interact doesn't mean that you can pick out what relationships will and won't work.

BTW, I'm 22, so your "pubescent hormoneal imbalance" was a REALLY immature stab for someone who just tried to say that I'm the one that needs to grow up.

Some people will disagree with your point of view. Suck it up and don't take it so personally that someone out there has a different viewpoint.

So I hope I leave you with no hard feelings. I do apologize for being a bit blunt with my initial response, but I stand by my convictions that you are wrong.

I don't mean to be overly Christian here, but faith plays a huge role in how some people handle situations like this. For my girlfriend and I, we are Christians, so I'm going to leave this verse as the last thing I'll say because THIS is exactly how true love acts, especially in situations like this. All it takes is lots of patience and a lot of communication by both parties. With that, relationships that go through this sort of event between two people with differing mind-sets CAN work... if you're both willing to put in the effort and truly love one another.

Don't give up on it.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things. Love never ends." - 1 Corinthians 13:7-8


PS - I'll take the "Some guys just want to be in love" comment as a compliment in this day and age where everything is based on logic. Its good to realize that you live for something more than money, fame, power, and security. Life with love is sooo much better! Harder? Maybe, but at least then you know its worth it!

 

[grinner]

If you have a problem with your actor GF acting, it really is your problem, not hers. You'll get over it or lose her.

 

[Mr Taylor]

I read your "sharp" response.

Of course I'm worried and concerned about my own situation.

I'm giong to cut you a wide pass re your attitude because you are only 22 and in love.

Look, here is another way to decide.
Ask one of your parents, your Mother or Aunt or Grandmother perhaps.
Ask one of them to make a call re the girls personality.
They will know.
Take their advice if you won't take mine.

 

[TennesseeTau]

If you have a problem with your actor GF acting, it really is your problem, not hers. You'll get over it or lose her.

Its not an issue of an "actor GF acting." You're missing the whole point of this post. Besides, just because you're uncomfortable with ONE aspect of the profession, that doesn't mean that the relationship isn't going to work. It all depends on how much you are willing to sacrifice.

I'm giong to cut you a wide pass re your attitude because you are only 22 and in love.

Look, here is another way to decide.
Ask one of your parents, your Mother or Aunt or Grandmother perhaps.
Ask one of them to make a call re the girls personality.
They will know.
Take their advice if you won't take mine.

I don't need to ask my parents. You keep acting like just because I'm "22 and in love" that I have no mind of my own and no personal experiences to draw from. You act like I'm too young to know anything.

I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions without my parents.

The funniest thing about this suggestion...is that my parents would be telling you the EXACT same thing I'm telling you more than likely. I don't need help making a decision. Probably because they understand that sometime you'll hit a road block in a relationship, and you can either decide to work it out or drop it, but if its really love...then you'll do whatever it takes to make it work.

It isn't something that you should just "ask your parents about" anyway. How do you expect to grow as an individual if you keep asking everyone else to make your decisions for you.

No, I believe that I'll stick to my own convictions. If it bites me, then at least I'll know I've done something worthwhile. And if it works out, then I'll be a better person for it and my relationship with my girlfriend will be stronger than ever. Its all about working things out and communication. Its not for everyone I suppose, but honestly, if you can't communicate well enough with a person to talk to them about stuff like this and work through it, then that's where it turns into a trust issue.

Pride aide, it seems as if you're never going to accept the idea that you can be uncomfortable with this specific situation and the relationship work out. I guess that maybe my girlfriend and I could be the exception to the rule. Either way. Its like I said before...not everyone lacks the morals needed to do this kind of thing. Its silly to think that the girl is going to go and run off with a leading man at some point in situations like this. Thats just cynicism.

Its quite obvious that I'm the only one who believes these things. Or at least I'm the only one in this situation who is willing to really put them out there and say them.

All I know is, that I was extremely uncomfortable with this play that my girlfriend is in...I still am. But I love her enough to support her despite that feeling. And now, I have a much greater resolve to make things work because I've grown tried of people telling me that it can't. Its not to prove people wrong, its to show that love really does bear all things. That love endures, if you're willing to put in the work for something that is bigger than just you.

Apologies if I come off as a little abrasive (or a lot). But it gets old hearing people's cynical opinions on a subject that most of them have probably never experienced themselves.

What you're saying makes perfect sense...if you aren't really in love with that person. If you aren't in love, then obviously its not going to be worth it. BUT IF YOU ARE, at that point it turns into a choice...will you put in the work to at least TRY to get through it and risk failure OR success? or will you just run away from the problem?

I'm done arguing about it, and I apologize if I offended anyone. Hopefully someone somewhere needed to hear this...I know that I needed to write it and to get it out there.

 

[Mr Taylor]

Good luck bro, you sound just like me at your age.
Perhaps a few battle scars will do you good.
let us know how it all turns out.

 

[TennesseeTau]

Good luck bro, you sound just like me at your age.
Perhaps a few battle scars will do you good.
let us know how it all turns out.

Haha. Well I appreciate the sentiment. The delivery is still a little off, but whatever. And believe me, I've got my fair share of battle scars. Just because I'm 22...doesn't mean I haven't been hurt before. But that should never stop anyone from living out what they believe. Nothing worth doing is ever easy. And love is definitely worth it.

 

[Mr Taylor]

Agree to a followup report in six months?

 

[TennesseeTau]

Agree to a followup report in six months?

Haha. Curious how things work out? or just want to prove me wrong that bad??

I'm not making any promises haha. I only registered on this forum because I was sick of reading the posts that I was reading. I dunno that I'll even remember to get on this forum in 6 months.

Why?

Because I'm not in this to prove you wrong or me right...That just ruins and demeans the whole point.

So I'll say maybe, but its not anything on my priority list.

 

[Mr Taylor]

You are a very difficult person to like and help.

Get some exercise, you think too much.

 

[TennesseeTau]

You are a very difficult person to like and help.

Get some exercise, you think too much.

Well. The same could be said for you. But honestly, I'd rather be stubborn and hopeful than cynical about life and love. That just seems like an incredibly depressing and meaningless way to live.

Funny how someone who claims to be older and to have so much more experience with life and love makes such immature stabs at people over the web just because of differing viewpoints. And you said that I was the one that didn't have manners...

And oh, just an FYI...you'd be surprised how much thinking can be done on a 6 mile run every day.

 

[grinner]

Its not an issue of an "actor GF acting." You're missing the whole point of this post. Besides, just because you're uncomfortable with ONE aspect of the profession, that doesn't mean that the relationship isn't going to work. It all depends on how much you are willing to sacrifice.

Actually it's about how much you support her in what she's into. When you get older you will know the most attractive thing a woman sees in a man is confidence. Showing the opposite will indeed send her packin' over time.
You sound very young. You'll learn this one way or another. You could listen to those older than you or make big mistakes and learn from heartbreak.

 

[Mr Taylor]

And oh, just an FYI...you'd be surprised how much thinking can be done on a 6 mile run every day.

Runnig is good.
Even better is a game type situation, tennis or one on one basketball.
Busy lives make stress, and the body needs a good burn off.. the good thing about game type exercise is that the mind also gets a break as it has to solve tactical reflex type situations during the game.

look, if you want a really in depth evaluation of "the kiss as a symbol of human loyalty and pair bonding (with associated instinctive reactions and social implications)" comapred to "the mock kiss as a story device in a play or fantasy", (and the ability of the human subconcious to seperate the two)..

Well you can see it's a big topic.

 

[TennesseeTau]

Actually it's about how much you support her in what she's into.

Never denied that. In fact, I'm almost positive that I explicitly stated that I DO support her. Not the issue. Once again... you miss the point.

When you get older you will know the most attractive thing a woman sees in a man is confidence. Showing the opposite will indeed send her packin' over time.

Again. You state something that I already know and something that any man could learn from reading an issue of Men's Health Magazine or GQ. You guys act like just because you're older that you know all, and just because I'm 22 that I know nothing.

You sound very young. You'll learn this one way or another. You could listen to those older than you or make big mistakes and learn from heartbreak.

Once again, I've had my fair share of heartbreak. Been there, done that, and learned a lot. Wanna know one of those gems that I learned?

Its okay to be uncomfortable with things as long as you are willing to work through them.

Just because I'm uncomfortable with my girlfriend kissing or being intimate with another guy on stage doesn't mean that I don't trust her, and it doesn't mean that I have no self-confidence. It seems like you guys fail to recognize that. It isn't an issue of trust, its a question of how far you are willing to go to make a relationship work. Basically, am I willing to put my pride and discomfort on the backburner and support my girlfriend? I sure am, but that most certainly doesn't mean that my discomfort goes away. Just means that I have to manage it.

And if ME being uncomfortable with my girlfriend acting in these scenes means that I don't trust her...then what does it mean when she feels the same way?? That she doesn't trust herself?? Hmmm... I believe not.

The fact that we are both uncomfortable with the situation is more of a testament to our relationship than a denial of it. I love her. She loves me. And we both find our physical relationship an intimate part of that love... such that it is uncomfortable for either of us to experience something like this.

Its getting really old being told that I have no confidence in myself just because I find this situation discomforting. Confidence does not equate to being comfortable that my girlfriend is kissing another man. Confidence is accepting that I am uncomfortable with a situation, but still being able to work through it in spite of that discomfort.

The other thing that is getting old is being told "listen to those that are older than you." So far, with all the advice that people have been trying to throw at me, if I blindly listened to anyone older than me...then I'd be a cynic about life and love and hold the belief that deep down my girlfriend is just itching to cheat on me with a leading man one day and that she'll do anything to be famous. Thats a very depressing way to live. Hope, faith and love make for a much more fulfilling life.

Runnig is good.
Even better is a game type situation, tennis or one on one basketball.
Busy lives make stress, and the body needs a good burn off.. the good thing about game type exercise is that the mind also gets a break as it has to solve tactical reflex type situations during the game.

Is there a point to your insinuations that I'm not athletic or something? You keep bringing this up, and its awfully random.

look, if you want a really in depth evaluation of "the kiss as a symbol of human loyalty and pair bonding (with associated instinctive reactions and social implications)" comapred to "the mock kiss as a story device in a play or fantasy", (and the ability of the human subconcious to seperate the two)..

Not going to finish that thought?

Well.

"the kiss as a symbol of human loyalty and pair bonding (with associated instinctive reactions and social implications)" - you mean kissing being something intimate that is a symbol of the connection and bond between two people who have significant feelings for one another...etc...yeah...I get it.

"the mock kiss as a story device in a play or fantasy", (and the ability of the human subconcious to seperate the two) - you mean accepting the context of a play/movie and being able to differentiate fantasy from reality...yup...I get that too.

But once again...You miss the point and the idea that a kiss is something intensely intimate to some people. It has an innocence and almost magical quality to it. But the main thing you miss is that just because you are able differentiate the two, doesn't mean that you have to be comfortable with the latter. You just keep missing the point that I've been trying to make...That its okay to be uncomfortable with this situation, and that a relationship can work even thought that discomfort exists. Its all about how much you are willing to sacrifice for someone that you love.

------------------------------------

Okay. So apparently I've pissed off both of you with my view and my statements. My apologies for being so blunt and a little tactless in my delivery. I haven't meant to offend anyone, but it seems as though none of you get what I'm trying to say.

I'm not sure if its because of my faith and thats the reason I believe different things or what. But either way. Its quite obvious that neither of you understand what I'm trying to say.