Short Film would greatly appreciate your comments

[Gohanto]

Hi, I'm a student filmmaker and I just completed a 7 minute short film "Journal" and would love to hear what people have to say about it.

http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~adonkle/index.htm

Any comments on what to improve would be appreciated.

Two notes on it, the sound was done in camera (currently working on buying a shotgun mic) and at the time of shooting I hadn't really thought about cinematography (just bought two lights and built a bounce card for my next film), so you'll notcie a few spots where those things show through.

Thanks,
Alex

 

[DBXMe2]

Hey its pretty cool, good idea for a short film.

It almost feels as if it has a "butterfly effect" type feel to it, due to the journal and the minipulation of events with it. But good job was cool.

If you want some technical critiques on your production let me know, I'm more then happy to review the aesthetic aspect of the film.

btw, guy falling out of the window, grand, just grand lol

Mike

 

[Gohanto]

Thanks, yeah if you want to give whatever opinions you have on the films aesthics I'd be happy to hear them.
And you're the 3rd person to say it reminded them of Butterfly Effect, now I'm kind of curious to see that movie.

 

[DBXMe2]

its because of the note book, you'll see when you see the note books in that movie.

OK!

Aesthetic crit time!
First I'd like to say if anyone ever tries and interpret your film into something it is not, kick them in the nuts. If its a chick, sleep with her, and leave her after sex, will hurt her in the nuts.

Alright now to crits on formal elements.

First thing that strikes me is how the sound of the narration comes in and out. Maybe if you were to leave some ambiance from the actual narration session to cover up the blank no sound section. There is sound, the piano is going but there's not diegetic sound... Anyway, something like that. I can tell it had noise in the BG when you were shooting the narration.
Or else a good way to not notice the cut in sound is by making a hard cut in the film with a shot of something taking up a large section of the screen and moving rapidly. Like cut to a car passing by. etc.

The cut where he looses his pen is quite fast. Maybe you should match action even before the pen flys out of his hand to notice its a pen. I watched it a few times, and I'm pretty sure its a pen!? right?

The roomate "actor" who goes "Holy fuck" little over the top, but thats just me. I dont think it fits with everything you've got so far. Its like a thorn having a great film and then that one bad praformance by the actor...

the film is pretty much gold.
I like the entier play on the narrative arc. Place the end at the beginning and play back at the end again. Makes people say? I wonder what happened. But you forget that what you see at the police cruzer is future?

I dont know what to suggest to make the distinction between past and future, but the title does take care of that break.

Anyway, Great film man, hope to see it in some festivals

Mike

 

[joecaholic]

Work with me. You go to school, in Indiana? I'm making a horror movie and wondering if you wanted to collab on it. Email me, joecaholic@yahoo.com.

`Joe