Script: Looking for Feedback

[Damian]

This is a project of mine for a TV series (It wont actually get made), I am wanting some good feedback please. I realise the action within the script needs polishing quite a bit.

Thanks.

_____________________________________________________________

Screenplay written by Damian Kuti




Dark Knight: Batman



EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREETS

The streets of Gotham cold and wet, mist flows in air. as a young
boy, BRUCE WAYNE, walks with his mother and father. BRUCE
quickly holds his mothers hand as THOMAS leads them down a back alley.

THOMAS WAYNE
Come on, we'll get home quicker this way.

Bruce is seen visually scared, the fear can be seen in his eyes.

BRUCE WAYNE
Do we have to go down here father, it's
scary.

Bruce's mother, MARTHA WAYNE, comforts him, holding him closer to
her.

THOMAS WAYNE
There's nothing to be scared of Bruce, Its a
thirty second walk, It will be ok.

Bruce still looks uncertain.


MARTHA WAYNE
It's alright Bruce, there's nothing to be
scared of, we'll get home quicker this way

She looks at Bruce and smiles, he half smiles back, They walk
down the alley, It is dark, Newspaper pieces fly through the
alley, as do other various pieces of rubbish. They are near the
end of the alley, Bruce looking less frightened at this point.

ARMED MAN
You there, Stop right there.

The barrel of a gun points at Thomas, then Armed Man can not be
seen, his face hidden within the shadows. Slowly the man moves
out of the shadows to reveal his face to the CAMERA, he is
staring at Thomas with a cold expression on his face.

THOMAS WAYNE
Take it all...my wallet, have it.


The Armed man looks away from Thomas and focuses on Martha.

ARMED MAN
You can take that necklace off too Lady.

Thomas fumbles with his wallet whilst MARTHA proceeds to remove
her necklace and at the same time comfort BRUCE. The man looks
slightly irritated due to Thomas taking his time.

ARMED MAN
Would you hurry up, What's.........

The Armed Man is interrupted, Thomas goes for the gun, pushing
the Armed Man up against the wall with some force. The men
struggle for a few moments, Bruce is screaming as a Gun shot
echoes throughout the alley, Thomas is seen clearly bleeding with
a wound to the heart, he slumps alongside the wall. Martha
screams and runs towards Thomas forgetting about Bruce
momentarily, The Armed Man is nervous at this point, he pulls the
trigger twice instantly killing Martha. Sirens begin to ring out
from the near distance, The Armed Man looks straight into Bruce's
eyes, Bruce just coldly stare's at the Armed Man. Bruce further
unnerves him, The man runs off leaving Bruce to stare on at his
dead parents.


FADE IN:

[OPENING CREDITS]

TITLE: DARK KNIGHT: BATMAN

CUT TO:


EXT. ROOFTOPS - NIGHT

We slowly PAN ACROSS the rooftops, Bruce Wayne is giving an O.V.

BRUCE WAYNE/ BATMAN
That night never leaves my mind, the night my
parents was taken from me. I sometimes wonder
why he never killed me, maybe it was fate
that I would survive to fight criminals like
the one who killed my parents, maybe it was
my destiny to become what I am today....

The camera reaches the end of the rooftop to show BATMAN, this is
done in sync with Bruce's final word in his overview


BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN
BATMAN.

His cape flows perfectly in the breeze as he overlooks the city
down below

The Camera zooms from BATMAN'S view of the city to a sidewalk.
Three men (MUGGER 1, MUGGER 2, MUGGER 3) are following a women in
her mid twenties (Nicole), it is clear by their behavior they
intend to mug her. The women is aware of her pursuers, she speeds
up her walking, also looking over her shoulder to face them,
concern is clearly seen on her face. As the men get closer to
their victim, Batman's grappling hook come shooting down in the
slight moment the women is not looking back. It attaches itself
MUGGER 3s collar,Within a split second the MUGGER 3 goes shooting
up towards the roof top on which he heavily lands on. Batman
stands right in front him.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT


MUGGER 1 and MUGGER 2 who are unaware of MUGGER 3s sudden
disappearance grab the women who begins to struggle, She does NOT
scream. MUGGER 2 now realizes MUGGER 3 is absent.

MUGGER 2
Hey man, Where did Mike go, He was he like
two seconds ago.

MUGGER 1 is still struggling with the women during his reply.

MUGGER 1
I don't know, he was here a second
ago..MIKE, MIKE, and you bitch, you better
hold still.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOFTOPS - NIGHT

MUGGER 3 gets up and runs towards BATMAN,He throw a punch, Batman
blocks the strike, then slams his elbow into the side of his
head. Batman knees him in the stomach and punches him to the
floor. MUGGER 3 groans in agony as he hits the deck. Batman runs
towards the edge of the rooftop and jumps down, the CAMERA
follows him all the way down until he lands right in front of
MUGGER 1 and MUGGER 2. No transition needed.


MUGGER 2
Its Batman, what do we do now.

MUGGER 1 throws the women to the floor and charges towards
Batman, MUGGER 2 also charges towards Batman. Batman blocks
MUGGER 2 punch from the side and also kicks MUGGER 1 in the jaw
sending him staggering backwards. MUGGER 2 punches Batman with
his other hand, this does not affect Batman, who punches him
three times in the face followed by an head butt which knocks
MUGGER 2 out. At this point MUGGER 1 has stopped staggering
backwards, he pulls a flick knife from his pocket.

MUGGER 1
I think I might have a little Bat Pie
tonight. What do you think Batman !

The man walks towards Batman, he swings for Batman's face with
the knife, Batman avoids it by moving backwards. Again the Mugger
goes for Batman's face, and once again Batman dodges it. The
third time the man attempts this, Batman grabs his arm and twists
it, the knife drops to the floor. Batman punches the Mugger with
his other hand five times, the mans nose bleeds. Batman shoves
the Mugger backwards then executes a perfect roundhouse, the
Mugger is sent flying into a garbage bin on the sidewalk, upon
impact the lid of the garbage bin shuts.

Nicole turns to face Batman.

NICOLE
Who are you ?……Don’t hurt me.



Batman stares at Nicole, no emotion is seen on his face. It looks
like he may say something for a second but he doesn't, Nicole
moves towards him, as she does Batman drops a smoke bomb, when
the smoke fades Batman remains no more. Nicole shrugs.

NICOLE
Well he sure is a friendly guy.

Nicole turns around and continues on her journey.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. ARKANSAS ASYLUM - NIGHT

 

[Kim Welch]

i like it for personal reasons but...

i like it for personal reasons but...

you should send this to me here kwelch@welchintegrated.com so I can forward it over to lien to put it in our showcase section! then you can just send people a link to it.

Kim

 

[Damian]

I would but the scripts not finished yet, and without any feedback from anybody its not likely it will be.

 

[jodymichelle]

questions about your script

questions about your script

Hi Damian,

Is this strictly fan fiction art, or are you working on the project with the goal that it will be made? If the script is the beginnings of a tv series, will it somehow be another angle to the story or shown from another point of view? (Like how Superman>>Lois and Clark>>Smallville)

Regarding the fight scenes, I'm wondering how far Batman should go in regards to using actual martial arts combinations and roundhouse kicks. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Batman basically used his brains to fight, and when he couldn't use his brains, he basically "brawled." If you want to keep him as a brawler, the fight scenes could be adjusted to show that, if that is what you want to show.

I never really followed the Batman movies, tv series, cartoons, or comic books - atleast, not seriously. How is your idea different and/or consistent with the existing story and movies/tv series that have already been made? In one of the Batman movies, was there a flashback involving Batman as a boy and how his parents died and why he eventually becomes Batman? How is your scene similar or different from the scene in the actual movie script?

 

[Damian]

Its not different from the film, I cant change the origins of Batman.

 

[jodymichelle]

Hi Damian,

Your scene here where young Bruce's parents are killed is different from the film. I was asking you if this was fan fiction because if it is, you can basically do whatever you want. But I wasn't telling you to change the origins of Batman.

Batman is so huge, there's another Batmovie coming out? I don't see it ever becoming a tv series again unless the story is an interpretation from another angle, like how Superman>>Lois and Clark>>Smallville. But who knows, right?

What you have is a good start, and you should definitely continue with what you have. Good luck with it. If you want to compare/contrast some of your scenes with the actual screenplays, here's a link, but you might already have this: http://www.batman-on-film.com/scripts.html.

Your excerpt reminded me of two scenes from one of the movies. 1) when young Bruce's parents were killed 2) when Batman and Vicky were being attacked by thugs in the street. I started to check how the action and how Batman's fighting style was written or 'shown' in one of the screenplays. If you want to check it out, here is a link: http://www.batman-on-film.com/scripts/batman-shooting.txt. More specifically, go to that link, and do an Edit > Find > "how much do you weigh"

If you want to jump to the scene where young Bruce's parents are killed, go to http://www.batman-on-film.com/scripts/batman-shooting.txt and on the browser window menu, go to Edit > Find > "ever dance"... the second occurance of the phrase and then scroll up a little.

 

[The Company]

There were a few spelling mistakes. You may want to re-read the script.
I didn't think this script was original enough. It reminded me of the movie, but the dialogue was a little worse. I know you cannot change the origins of Batman, but that doesn't mean you have to do it scene for scene.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it "Arkham Asylum" not "Arkansas Asylum."
Good luck if you continue writing.